


Loving the Potters

by amira3113



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Potter!Reader, Reader and Severus are best friends, Reader is a Potter, Slytherin!Reader - Freeform, adoptive Potter, kind of, silly Marauders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-04-24 00:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 31,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19162096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amira3113/pseuds/amira3113
Summary: Being a Slytherin is hard, but being a Potter who is a Slytherin is much worse. And having a crush on your brother’s best friend Sirius Black is literal hell.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, here's the deal: I originally posted this story on my Tumblr account. This is also the first story I posted on Archive of Our Own. So, umm, hi! How are you? Ummm, enjoy the story. 
> 
> Btw. my mother tongue isn't English and it's not even my second language. So, if I do mistakes, feel free to point it out to me.

This is the day. Today you were finally going to enter your dream. You stood next to James admiring the Hogwarts Express. It looked exactly the way your father, Fleamont, had described. Well, he wasn’t really your father, but you still insisted on calling him that and he was happy about it.

“Are you ready, (Y/N/N)?” James squeaked excited, squeezing your hand.

“No.”

You felt nauseous, sick, scared.

“Come on (Y/N). It will be fun! Plus, I’ll always be by your side.”

“This is exactly why I’m scared James!” you joked, nudging his shoulder.

“Hey! Don’t like that to your older brother!” James exclaimed, faking an angry face.

“By only 3 months. But I think mentally your still 3 years old, Jamie.” 

“Children! It’s time to get into the Express.” Your mother appeared from behind you, embracing both James and you while kissing each of your cheeks. James immediately started to grimace. You on the hand hugged her tight, not wanting to let go.

It’s not that you didn’t want to leave for Hogwarts, because you really did, this had always been a wish of yours, but Euphemia has always made you feel safe, ever since the day they took you in.

She pulled back and looked you in the eyes.

“(Y/N), do not worry, dear. Everything will be just fine. At least before your brother decides to blow up the school.”

“Why does everyone think I’m that reckless?”

“Because you are your father’s son.” You and mom said in union chuckling.

“It’s time, children.” Your father gave both James and you a light squeeze on a shoulder and pushed you towards a door of the train.

Waving the last goodbye, you entered the Express. Most of the cabins were filled with students. Everyone seemed so happy. You and James wandered for at least 5 minutes before you could find a decent cabin without too many students.

There where two boys sitting opposite of each other. One had light brown hair, warm brown eyes and had his nose buried in a book. The other one had brown-blackish hair and brown eyes too. But there were more behind these brown eyes. Something you couldn’t quite put a finger on. You didn’t bother to think about it all too much.

“Hello, are these seats taken?”

And with that, the Marauders got assembled. You silently watched as they talked and ranted to each other. After a few more minutes two other boys and a ginger-haired girl joined you.

“Who are you?” the brown/black-haired boy named Sirius asked you, snapping you back to reality, making you realize that you haven’t introduced yourself.

“(Y/N) Potter.”

“Are you two related?” a slightly chubby boy asked while pointing between you and James.

“Yes.” You simply answered, looking out of the window, paying them no attention anymore. You didn’t want them to start asking questions. Or at least you hoped they would get that you didn’t want to talk about it. Little did you know that these boys were idiots.

“She is my sister, actually.” James proudly said.

“But you don’t look alike.” Peter, the boy who asked if you were related, said confused.

“I don’t see why it is any of your concern?” you didn’t mean for it to come out this harsh but you hated people asking you of your relations.

Legally you were James’ sister. And that’s all that mattered, right?

“Excuse me, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Peter answered looking quite afraid.

You took a deep breath and put on your nicest (fake) smile.

“None taken.” After that you zoned out again, not wanting to engage in any of their lame conversations.

Soon you could make out a castle not far from where the train where, as you were gazing out of the window.

“We are almost here!!” shrieked Lily.

An unsettling feeling crept over you as you looked to the castle. Somehow you could tell that your life was about to change. And not in a good way.

All the children were rushing into the great hall. It was crowded in there. But that didn’t bother you much. You were too busy admiring the decorations of the hall. That was probably the reason why you didn’t hear headmaster Dumbledore’s annual speech.

Just as you managed to tear your eyes away from your surroundings, the sorting hat was brought into the room.

Soon everyone you knew was sorted into their houses, leaving you standing all alone. At last, your name was called. You didn’t realize that your body was carrying you to the hat. Everyone could tell that you were extremely nervous.

From the corner of your eye, you saw James smiling and clapping next to the boys named Sirius, Remus and Peter.

“Come on, does she need to be sorted into a house. She’s a Gryffindor. Just like every Potter.” He told the boys, but loud enough for you to hear.

His last words made you anxious. You weren’t a real Potter and he knew it very well.

“Oh, she is the most interesting one by far. Hmmm, Child, you want to be in Gryffindor very badly, don’t you?” the creepy voice of the hat rung in your ears.

“Well, you aren’t one for sure.”

These were the last words you heard before you blacked out. What did he mean? What will this mean? Everyone you lived with was a Gryffindor. He must be mistaken.

“SLYTHERIN!!” the hat interrupted the chaos in your mind.

Slytherin? This can’t be real. This was just a dream. No.

James wasn’t smiling anymore. He was wearing an expression you couldn’t quite read. That usually never happened. You knew James better than he knew himself. What was happening?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome! :)

“Stop!” you said sharply.

“Stop what?!?!” he was almost shouting at you. He didn’t care if he got detention because everything was better for him than having a reasonable conversation with you.

After you got sorted into Slytherin you and James lost touch. At first, he’d greet you, but that stopped too. He never was by your side. Not like he said.

You got befriended with Severus Snape, after that. That made James ignore you more. He didn’t like him and you knew it.

Months into your first semester, the marauders as your brother and his friends would call themselves started to pick on your best friend. That was reason enough for you to start fights with Prongs. You could surely say, that both of you became enemies by not being in the presence of each other for 6 months.

At home, you and James would pretend that nothing is wrong. Playing it all nice. But your parents weren’t dumb though. They noticed but didn’t think much of it, saying that it is puberty you were going through.

The first three years came and went, as the fourth year followed.

Somehow James and his friend became more stupid than before. They would get into more trouble than anyone else has ever gotten into.

And James, o James, he became the proudest jerk that Gryffindor had ever witnessed. While you became the coldest smart bitch Slytherin ever had.

Slughorn would often joke about the both of you because he found it amusing that you were the exact opposite of each other. But after a time, he got annoyed by your small arguments during potions. From now on, he’d pair you both up at any second he gets, but he didn’t realize that these assignments only drove you both more away. It usually ended in a fight and with you doing the project by yourself.

Today wasn’t any different, it wasn’t supposed to be different. The both of you were sitting rather angry opposite of each other.

“Stop being such a moron.”

“Me, a moron? I am not the one acting like a fucking Ice queen, who owns the world!”

“At least I don’t bully people to feel good about myself!”

“Why do you care? Huh? Are you in love with that sick idiot or what?” he laughed hard to provoke you.

You were fighting about Severus. He and Sirius had pranked him only minutes ago.

“Go fuck yourself, James. You are just as pathetic as all the other Gryffindors.” You packed your things and stormed out of the library. But you knew he’d follow you, so you walked towards empty almost never used corridor, where you could start yelling at him too.

You turned your heel, facing a very outraged James. You knew insulting his house is like insulting himself so you used it often against him. It wasn’t like he didn’t do the same to you.

“You want everyone to hate you, don’t you?” his voice got even louder. He was definitely worked up right now. It is the first time you saw James Like this. It scared you a bit.

“Why do you care? Huh?” you mocked him, masking your fear with your usual sarcasm.

“I do not get you! Do you get off by annoying people? Or is it just my nerves you like to get on? Mh? What do you want from me?! A little attention is that? Is the baby scared again? Do you have nightmares again? About your parents? Is it that every time you wake up you can’t find Jamie, so you decide to punish him? Is that so, you cry baby?” He came dangerously close while speaking. His words even closer, hitting you in an unexpected way. Just like knives, they stabbed you.

As the words left his mouth, he knew that he had crossed a line that should have never existed.

Normally you would quickly come up with a witty response, but now you were speechless.

James felt guilty. Very guilty. He shouldn’t have said that. But yet he did.

He reached out to touch you, but you moved away, making him stop on his tracks.

“I just wanted my brother back.” You whispered with a tear-soaked face.

And just like you left him alone in the corridor, running to your dormitory, holding onto hard your belongings strongly.

Days went by, while you’d be hiding from your brother. You had no desire to speak to him again.

In the morning you’d have breakfast early with Severus and at lunch, you wouldn’t show up, making your friend bring you food with him.

You knew that James tried to reach out to you. He made it very clear in every class you had together. But you’d only ignore his presence, like always.

It would always end up in you succeeding to do so after fights because he’d give up after a time, but this time he didn’t stop.

“(Y/N)!” the voice which belonged to the person you wanted to see the least called behind you. Walking even faster out of potions class now, you avoided talking to him.

“(Y/N), please just,” he somehow managed to catch up with you, grabbing your arm.

Because it was so early you decided that you were too tired to fight, you turned around looking him coldly in the eyes.

“What do you want, Potter?” your voice was hoarse. Probably because of all the crying.

James just stood in front of you, shocked. It was the first time you called him Potter. He actually likes being Potter instead of James but he didn’t like the name coming out f your mouth. It sounded very foreign. Not as if it was your surname too.

“I do not have all morning.” You stated harshly.

“I am sorry.” He blurred out.

“Cool.” Was all you said turning around to leave. You knew he’d say that. But did he mean it was the question, you were too exhausted to figure out.

He prevented you from leaving again, touching your shoulder, apparating the both of you somewhere. Looking around, you recognized your surroundings. You were in the astronomy tower.

“(Y/N), please just hear me out,” James spoke softly.

You directed your gaze to the view, not wanting him to notice that you were getting a bit emotional.

He took your silence as a sign to continue talking.

“What I said was unheard of. I made a big mistake. I regret every single word that came out of my mouth. And you are right I am a moron. I was too caught up in my own pride to notice that my little sister needs me. I- I just…..I actually don’t have an excuse for my childish behavior. I guess that you being in Slytherin and myself being in Gryffindor just affected me in a way it shouldn’t have. And I guess I got a little jealous of a certain black-haired boy for being in the position that I was in not long ago.” He spoke, slow but you knew his mind was racing right now.

“I did not mean anything I said the other day. I swear. I just wanted you to notice me.”

“I always notice you, James.” You finally said softly.

A small smile embraced his face. “I know, but I just wanted you to see me. Not see me and get bothered because of my pranks. I wanted you to talk normally again. Say something else than ‘Shut up, James’ or ‘Would you be so kind and piss off’.” His smile affected you. You began to grin a little too.

“I want my brother back, James.” You whispered again.

“I want to talk to him again. I want him to be happy with me. I want him to treat me like his ‘little’ sister again.” You continued.

James slowly made his way towards you, wrapping his arms around you.

“I am so sorry, little one.” He stroked your hair

He could hear quiet sobs coming from you.

“Please don’t cry, yeah?”

“I was du…..I am dumb,” he smiled while stating this about himself, “ I let those goddamn houses get in the way of our life. I am so sorry, that I stopped talking to you. I shouldn’t have. Please let me make it up to you.”

Now he could feel you laughing, he took it as a ‘yes’.


	3. Chapter 3

After you and Prongs made up, both of you agreed to pretend to hate each other. For the sake of your houses.

Although the Marauders knew that you were on good terms, you decided to keep it a secret from Severus, afraid of how he might react.

Before you fully forgave James for what he did, you made him promise to never pick on anyone again. He was hesitant at first thinking that you had been joking but accepted your request.

The following summer James and you became best friends again.

One morning you wake up to the sound of your house door ringing. The person you expected to see least in summer stood before you face fixed on his suitcase in front of him as you opened the door.

“Sirius? What are you doing here?” you asked in between yawning. These words might’ve been the first you have said to him.

He slowly raised his face to yours. There was not the smug looking boy standing at the door. His normal shine of mischief was not there. His eyes were puffy and red. His smirk was nowhere to be found. Instead, it was replaced with a thin line.

“Is-Is James here?” his voice cracked a bit while asking.

“Um yes, but he is sl-“ you were interrupted with your mother rushing down the stairs.

“Sirius, dear, what are you doing here?”

Your mother pushed past you, pulling the boy in a tight hug. This was the first time the boy didn’t pull away from your mother, saying that he was too old for these emotional moments.

Sirius said something you couldn’t quite make out.

“(Y/N), princess, would you please go to your room.” Your mother shot you a worried glare.

You took this as your sign to give them some privacy.

But it didn’t mean that you didn’t listen into their conversation anyway. You could swear that they had been talking for more than 5 hours as you were leaning against your bedroom door eavesdropping.

Soon after they finished talking and Sirius stopped sobbing your brother came rushing into your room.

Quickly you tried to hide your surprised look and come off as you were doing something forbidden, but you were never the best actor.

“You heard everything, didn’t you?” James asked. Usually, he’d chuckle or tease when you’d do something you weren’t supposed to do, because he’d like to consider that he is the only trouble maker in the house, but today was not a usual day.

Your brother wore the same worried look on his face that he had after your fight and it made you feel uneasy. Sirius must mean more to him than you thought.

Embarrassed because you got caught you blushed a little while nodding.

“He will stay with us for a while now. Can you live with that?”

“Can I?” that wasn’t what you wanted to say. Sarcasm must be a reflex you possessed.

James shook his head laughing.

“Please, (Y/N), I know how much you hate him, but please do this for me, yeah?” he gently placed a hand on your shoulder, looking you deeply in the eyes.

You chuckled, moving towards James and cupping his cheeks and kneaded them.

“I never said I hate him, but yeah, I’ll try to be nice to him.” You let go of him, gave him a last smile and headed to the kitchen.

As you were entering the kitchen you met with a hard wall. Well, it wasn’t quite a wall, it was just Sirius’ torso. But it was still as hard as a wall.

He had just wanted to walk out of the kitchen as you two bumped into each other.

You looked up to him, expecting him to apologize, but he didn’t. Instead, he just glanced at you for a single second and continued on walking.

Heat rose to your face, you so badly wanted to yell at him, but simply couldn’t. You promised James to at least try. And besides, it’s his first day here. If you were about to start a fight then he must have stayed a minimum of 3 days at your home. You weren’t that mediocre.

But if James wanted you to be nice to that jerk, he’d have to be nice to you too.

After that day, he ignored you and you did the same. Until the seventh night.

It was an ordinary night. Or you thought.

Sleeping was sometimes hard for you, because of the nightmares. The would come every third day. And today was the third. You already got used to it.

Having just woken up from a nightmare, you heard sobs coming from your window. But it didn’t really sound like sobs. It seemed more like a cat was dying.

Taking out your wand you slowly made your way to the window, heart beating fast. Somehow a small part of you was scared. Scared that you were about to get murdered. You did just wake up from a memory of your parents being murdered, so, no can blame you from being frightened.

Pulling away your curtain, you could see a figure beneath your window.

It was Sirius. You could recognize his soft hair anywhere. His head was buried in his hands. He must be crying.

Seeing him like this, like a complete mess, all your dislike towards him melted away. Every time you’d witness someone crying, you’d feel compelled to comfort them. And this time it was no different.

Putting on a robe, you apparated yourself next to him.

You wished that you had taken a video recorder with you because his reaction to your appearance was priceless. He jumped like a scared cat. But when he realized it was you, he seemed a bit disappointed.

“What do you want?” his words were kind of harsh, but it didn’t affect you anyhow. All you could see in front of you was a person in need of emotional support.

“Well, first of all, you are sitting under my window and second, your sobs are ugly.” You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

But it only darkened his expression, making slowly stand up.

Then an idea struck you. Sirius is a boy who is probably as full of himself as your brother. If not even more. So, if you try to compliment him, then maybe he’ll stop being such an arse.

“I am kidding,” you said softly while putting your hand on his arm, pulling him to the ground again, “I’ve never seen anyone looking that pretty while crying, to be honest.”

And you were honest.

He didn’t smile, but his expression softened.

You took your wand out and drew a square in the air while muttering some words. A tissue popped out of the square on Sirius’ lap. But he didn’t touch the tissue, only stared at it.

Your next action took you, as well as Sirius, by surprise. You didn’t know what motivated you to do it, but you did it.

Kneeling in front of him, you took the tissue in one hand and placing the other under Sirius’ chin, lifting it up so he’d look at you. The boy didn’t flinch or move, but he was surprised by your action for sure. Now he was kind of forced to look you in the eyes. And he did it without any complication. Something in his breath-taking eyes told you that he was glad that you were here.

Very carefully and tender you began wiping his tears away. Chewing on your bottom lip all you could think was ‘Bloody hell, why is he so beautiful.’

You didn’t notice that you were already done wiping away everything away, still looking at his graceful appearance.

When realizing what you were doing you quickly pulled your hand away. The second you did so, you could feel yourself blushing. Sometimes you hated having hormones. Or even just blood.

To hide your face from Sirius, because the last thing you need is him noticing it, you looked up to the sky.

Taking a deep breath to collect yourself after what just occurred, you admired the stars.

An awkward, yet pleasing, silence settled between the both of you.

Many thoughts ran through your head. The question of why you were situated next to him was the one who you asked yourself the most, but also why you did what you just did and why you blushed was often asked. You’ve always thought he was handsome, no denying there, but you found that he was the most disgusting insufferable student at Hogwarts too. Then why did you make such an effort to make him feel better? All your thinking almost gave you a headache. Deciding to let it all go, your dislike towards him, the grudge against their pranks, his image and your identity, you leaned against the wall of your house and started to open up to him, in hopes of him doing the same.

“No one deserves you tears, Sirius.” You said while facing him.

His slowly turned to you. It was obvious that he was still getting used to you talking to like an individual, a person worthy of your feelings and openness.

After what seemed like an eternity of a lifetime of silence and stares, he opened his mouth.

‘They said..,” he began while lowering his gaze to his eyes, ”They said I was a disgrace to the family. My mo-mother- she doesn’t acknowledge me as her son anymore. My fa-Orion he wishes I never existed. And Regulus- he just stood and watched. Watched as they tore me to pieces.” His voice cracked while he spoke. He didn’t whisper but one could not say that Sirius had ever spoken as uncertain of himself as he did now. The hurt in his voice and in the way he spoke caused you pain too.

“I am terribly sorry.” Was all you could get out of yourself. You couldn’t imagine someone being so heartless to their own flesh and blood. Was it his current state or your sense of guilt, you didn’t know, but you reached out for his hand, took it in yours and squeezed it lightly. As you did so you offered him a small smile.

“You don’t need them.” You paused to look him straight in his eyes, “Trust me you don’t.”

He didn’t seem to believe you, but never the less, you still gave your best to make him believe.

“Besides, you have us.” Well, that sounded very strange to you, but somehow you liked it, “Like my father said you are always welcome in this house and this family.”

He stayed quiet for some seconds before speaking, “How do you know that? Weren’t you supposed to be in your room?”

“Ummmm…” you tried to suppress a smile of embarrassment but failed.

It was worth it through. Because that was the first time Sirius ever smiled at you. Or better said, smirked at you.

Trying eagerly to change the subject and focusing the conversation on Sirius and not you anymore, you started, “And you are Sirius Black. One of the most brilliant wizards I know. But unfortunately, you abuse your brilliance to stupidity.”

Your last statement made him laugh. You found yourself attracted to the sound and sight if it.

His puffy eyes, red nose, and huge smile were so cute, they almost made you want to melt in a puddle of happiness.

“Aaand the ladies like you. So, that’s a big plus, isn’t it?” you wiggled with your eyebrows.

After an exchange of a few laughs, you and he returned to admire the sky.

“Why are you being so nice to me? Did James force you to talk to me or?”

“Do you want the truth?”

He nodded.

“I don’t know. You are an asshole, but a good person.”

“That doesn’t quite add up, darling?” he smirked at you.

Was-was he flirting with you? Like now? Oh god, help you.

You face was getting warmer and warmer every second he looked at you with that damn grin.

“Shut up! It makes perfect sense! You are a jerk on the outside and a softy on the inside.” You stated proudly.

That made him chuckle again. He looked at you once more and locked his eyes with yours. But this time was different than the before. His action made you very, and I repeat, very nervous.

You cleared your throat and looked at down to your hands.

He seemed to notice your discomfort and looked up again.

“You know what lifts up my mood when I am sad?”

He shook his head

“Movies!”

“Movies?”

“Movies! But not those boring old wizard movies, no, muggle movies.” 

“I’ve never seen a muggle movie.” He replied.

You instantly jumped up at his reply.

“Then it’s about bloody time you do!”

Without thinking much, you took his hand and lead him quietly into your house to your living room all the way to the couch.

Just as you were about to pull your hand away, you became aware that you’ve been holding his hand the whole time. His gaze was fixed at the connection.

You tried to let go of his hand as gently as possible, pretending as if this never happened.

“Sit down.”

“What are we going to watch?” he squealed, looking like a curious puppy.

“Wait..” you muttered some charms to stop any noise from exiting the living room, not wanting to wake your parents up.

“You, my dear Sirius, are going to watch the best movie ever made.” You said excitedly as you held up both godfather parts.

From that moment on he looked excited too, not as if he were about to break into tears any second.


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up was to your mind the worst process of the day. It would always drain your whole new built power away and leave you in an unpleasant mood.

But today waking up wasn’t your biggest concern.

Hearing angry hushed voices, you slowly open your eyes. Being ready to scream at the person who dared to wake you up in the morning, you realized that you weren’t in your bed. You must’ve fallen asleep throughout the second movie.

Stretching yourself, you padded for the cushion that you fell asleep on. And that was when it hit you. You didn’t sleep on a cushion that night.

Turning around to see what your hand was currently on, your terrified gaze met with a smirking Sirius. 

Searching for your hand, you found it laying on his exposed stomach. Damn, that boy had abs.

Over the both of you stood, behind the couch, stood an angry looking James. Oh, no. Your position looked very veeery wrong.

You almost tripped as you jumped off of the couch, face heating up with embarrassment. Your shirt had ridden up in process. And Sirius’ eyes were fixated on your bare skin. Quickly you smoothened down your shirt, to avoid further complications from your dear brother.

“Care to explain what both of you were doing?”

James looked very confused, but also seriously angry.

“Are mum and dad still sleeping?” your voice was still hoarse from just waking up.

“Yes, to your luck they are.” He narrowed his eyes to Sirius, burning holes through his best friend with his furious glare. “You know,” he turned to look at you, “when I said that you should be nice to him I didn’t mean tha-“

“I had a nightmare yesterday, James. And it wasn’t really one of the harmless ones.” You cut him off. Thinking that Sirius probably didn’t want James to know that he had cried his eyes off, you decide to step in for him, lying to your brother.

Well, you couldn’t quite say that you were lying, because you did indeed have a nightmare yesterday, but it wasn’t the reason why you were where you were.

And it worked, James got silenced. He worryingly looked at you. You hated to lie to him, something you developed when you made up.

“I woke up crying again, went outside and must’ve Sirius while doing so. He tried to lighten up my mood and suggested we watch a movie.” You turned to look at Sirius, who seemed surprised that you were covering up for him, but chose to play along.

“I didn’t suffocate you at night, did I? I am so utterly sorry for falling asleep on you. That must’ve been very uncomfortable.” You faked concern.

Actually, you didn’t care nor mind that you slept on him. You made his mood better and that was the least he could accept.

Still smirking, he shook his head. If you weren’t in their presence, James would’ve definitely punched him. So, James being the big brother he was, he walked over to you and hugged you.

You loved it when he did so. You always felt safe. It felt like home, something you hadn’t experienced for a long time before.

“I didn’t know you still had these.” He mumbled softly.

“I almost always have them, James. You just never noticed.” You let out a breath, feeling slightly uncomfortable with what you said. Knowing that your words certainly hurt him, you still let them fall out of your mouth. It was the truth after all.

He pulled away and grabbed your shoulders.

“You know what? I’m going to make you pancakes. I know how much you like them.” He said enthusiastic, trying to make you feel better.

You just smiled. What a dork he was!

As you left for the bathroom, you could hear James say angrily, “Prick, That’s my sister. Don’t touch her ever again!”

“She was the one who slept on top of me!” his smirk was loud and very clear to hear.

If James hadn't punched him for his pathetic excuse, then you would’ve.

You had to laugh at the both of them, they were such idiots.

Seeing Severus after summer, explaining to him that you and your brother were on very good terms was not a children’s game. At first, you thought he was understanding, but then you noticed that he was being quiet so he wouldn’t yell at you. He and James never got along for obvious reasons.

Severus got so upset with you, ignoring you for a week until you made him speak to you again. He actually had no right to do so, you made nothing wrong, but somehow you understood him too.

Since the beginning of the new semester, you spent all the time you used to be alone with your brother and his friends, deciding to not care about what the Slytherins said.

They didn’t really have the balls to talk to you anyways. You didn’t call you the Slytherin Queen for no reason.

Throughout the time spent you got close to Lily Evans, always making fun of the Marauders and Severus.

You got so close to your brother’s friends, that you started to study with Remus, sharing your genius ideas. He was actually not the way you expected him to be. Something in you wondered why he was even befriended with these idiots.

Somewhere in between, you began to notice that Sirius made quite a lot of appearances and his glances where getting accumulated too.

Even Severus noticed.

“That’s just disgusting!” he exclaimed. The pair of you were currently sitting at the Slytherin table ‘enjoying’ breakfast. 

“Yeah, the strawberries taste very rotten.” You falsely agreed, not really knowing what of the food he meant.

“I am not speaking of the strawberries, you fool.” He rolled his eyes.

Insulting each other was always yours and Severus’s thing. You knew it meant that you truly cared about one and another.

“He has been staring at you ever since you walked in.” he continued, “I don’t want to know what is going inside this sicko’s mind.” He grimaced and pointed at Sirius with his fork.

You tried to play it cool, but on the inside, a part of you was screaming “aboard!”, because the hot boy made you nervous with his glare, and the other was laughing at him, because you clearly remembered him telling James that “I don’t want anything from your sister, Prongs.”. So, as a result of these thoughts, a blush started to spread across your cheeks. Could anyone blame you? Well, besides James and Severus.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Severus suddenly got up from his chair, “You told me nothing happened to the both of you.”

His voice was so loud, that everyone in the Great Hall stopped what they were doing and watched you and Severus.

“What are you talking about, Sev?” you spoke in a calm voice, hoping that he would relax a bit, but you were wrong he only grew more irritated.

“Merlin’s beard! You sound just like the brainless girls he screws!”

His statement left you speechless. How could he say that to you? Didn’t he trust you? Did he really think so low of you?


	5. Chapter 5

After humiliating you in the Great Hall he stormed out of the room, angry, without another word. All eyes were on you. You could feel tears bickering in your eyes and the anger of his mistrust boiling in you. But never the less, you suppressed from showing any emotions towards anybody present. Silently you stood up, gathered your belongings and rushed out of the room. Instead of following Severus, you ran to the astronomy tower. No one would be there at that time, so it was the perfect place for you to cry your eyes, try to calm down and collect yourself. You didn’t even know why you were that angry.

Okay, yes, he did yell at you for no good reason, he accused you of being something you were not, but you couldn’t blame him for thinking that you were hooking with Sirius Black, because you and he looked kind of guilty of such thing.

But did he have to do it in front of everybody? In front of the whole school and of every teacher? Then all of a sudden, someone spoke from behind you, making you jump in surprise.

“What was that about?” Sirius put his arm on your shoulder.

Swiftly you pulled away, confusing him to why you were so distant all of a sudden.

“None of your business.” You replied very bitterly.

“The Ice Queen is back!” he exclaimed laughing, trying to ease the situation.

It made you smile a bit if you were honest, but he couldn’t because your back was still turned to him.

“Please, leave me alone.” You finally turned around.

Behind Sirius stood Lily, Remus and Peter.

“He didn’t go after him, did he?”

Lily shifted nervously.

“He did!” Peter instantly said, regretting it once he said it.

“Out of the way!” you pushed past them, worrying that James may kill your best friend.

As you were leaving you felt a hand gripping your upper arm.

“(Y/N), I don’t think you –“ Sirius was cut off by you tearing your arm from his grip.

“You,” you pointed at him, “Stay away from me!” you yelled.

Running to the only place you could think Severus would go when he’s upset, you left a shocked Sirius behind.

And you were right. James pointing his wand at a very messed up Severus in front of the library.

“Leave him alone, James!” you tried to sound calm and collected, but after crying your voice cracked. “Please lower your wand.”

He didn’t, instead, he got angrier. No one makes his baby sister cry and gets away so easily.

“And why should I do that?” he gritted through his teeth.

“Because I am asking you to do so, Jamie.” Only you were allowed to call him that. And that is why you always call him that when you tried to calm him down.

Severus’ lip was split. James must’ve punched him.

Your brother did as you asked, but his gaze was still fixed on Snape.

“Could you please leave us alone, James?” now you stood next to him, putting your hand on his shoulder, hoping that he calms down completely.

He faced you, and you could swear he got angrier, because of seeing you like this, but he still obeyed your wishes and left.

Severus didn’t say anything and didn’t look like he was about to say anything, he just straightened his uniform. He tried to leave.

“There’s nothing going on between Sirius and me”, you didn’t want him to leave before this mess was sorted.

“Of course.” Usually, his sarcasm amused you, but not this time.

“Don’t you trust me?” you tried your hardest not to cry again.

“While you are with them? I’d rather trust Malfoy and you know they don’t call him a snake for no reason.”

Now he has gone too far and he knew. Leaving you alone in front of the library, he apparated himself elsewhere.

You didn’t talk at all after that. Neither did you want to.

If he couldn’t accept that you were James’ sister and Sirius’ friend, then he could go fuck himself, you thought. Or at least that was what everybody told you to think.

Yours and Severus’ friendship wasn’t the only one going to bricks that day. Every time you saw Sirius you would turn the other way or excuse yourself and leave. He did get the message that you didn’t want to be around him, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to know the reason.

After all, no one knew why and about what you and Snape fought that day many weeks ago.

Well, Lily and Remus knew. It was very nice to have a girl-friend like Lily. You never had one before, besides your mother, but that doesn’t really count, does it?

So that was why you cried your eyes out on her shoulder later that evening. And Remus’ too, of course.

So actually, two people knew. But it is basically no one. And you knew that they wouldn’t tell a soul.

You avoided James a little as well. Not because he did something wrong, you just didn’t want him to see you were not in your best state,

Unlike Sirius, James dropped the subject, understanding why you needed space.

“Miss Potter?” Professor McGonagall snapped you out of your thoughts.

“Yes, Professor?”

“Would you be so kind and change seats with Mr. Potter for the rest of the lesson.”

You turned around, looking at your brother. He was not aware of what McGonagall requested, because he was too busy chatting with Sirius.

Oh, shit. He’s sitting next to Sirius. Hell no. You are not going to sit next to him. Everybody But him. No. Nope. Noppidinope. Mh-mh. Not gonna happen, you thought.

As you were about to protest McGonagall shot you her famous “Do it or you will be in trouble.” glare.

You got up and made your way to the last row, where your brother sat. These idiots were still unaware of the situation.

Grabbing your book, you hit them both on the heads.

“Ouch!” they flinched turning to you. Then they looked at McGonagall then at you again.

“Mr. Potter, first row. Now.”

“Minnie, do I really have to? I mean, we were just talking about how handy Transfiguration can be on a daily basis.”

“Mr. Potter!” she started to get impatient.

“I’m coming. I’m coming.”

Sitting next to Sirius was as worse as him staring at you throughout the whole lesson, trying to decide whether or not to talk to you. But he didn’t.

The bell finally rang and Minerva dismissed you, students. You wanted to leave, but a certain handsome Gryffindor stopped you.

“(Y/N), can we talk?” he seemed nervous.

“Um, I-I can’t I am helping Lil with potions.” You wanted to escape him and he noticed.

“We both know that is not true.” He looked disappointed.

Damn, even when he’s sad he’s cute.

You let out a sigh. You can’t escape your problem all the time.

“Meet me at the astronomy tower at 6 sharp.” And with that, you left. You needed support from Lily and Remus before you talked to him. 

He was already there as you entered.

“What do you want to talk about?” you sounded unintentionally annoyed, but you really don’t want to talk to him.

“What have I done to upset you, darling?” Not again. He loves to play with fire, doesn’t he?

“I am not your ‘darling’.” You snapped. What has gotten into you?

“I never said you were mine.” He said quietly.

Feeling a bit bad for your sudden outburst, you spoke softly.

“Excuse me, I am not in a good mood right now.” You rubbed your eyes, hoping that this was a dream, that you weren’t really talking to him.

“Lately.” He mumbled

“What?”

“You haven’t been in a good mood lately. Actually, ever since Snivellous and you fought.”

“His name is Severus.” They should stop call people cruel names.

“Severus. Ever since you fought with Severus.” He corrected himself, for your sake.

“And it is your business because….?”

“what is wrong? Why are you avoiding me? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Why won’t anyone tell me anything anymore?” he got a bit worked up and started to shout.

Maybe you should go easy on him, he didn’t do anything wrong actually. But the worst go the best of you.

“Why do you care so much, Sirius? Why?” your volume had risen too.

“Because I do” he yelled, then he took a deep breath and continued, “Because you helped me when I was at my worst. Because you are James’ little sister and I feel like I should protect you.”

Your heart fell at the sound of these words. He only sees you as a sister. Nothing more.

But why were you upset about this? Did you have feelings for him?

“Please, tell me what’s going on!” Sirius wasn’t one for begging, but he can’t stand to see you upset, not if he can help.

Him indirectly telling you that you are like a sister to him didn’t just upset you, it made you calm down too.

Now, with this statement, you could prove Severus wrong.

“I am just- “, you sighed, “The whole fight sucks and I am sorry if you feel as if I am neglecting you because I am not. I am just not in the mood for anything You know? I just needed space.” You confessed.

It wasn’t exactly a lie, but you weren’t telling him the whole truth either. And he didn’t need to know the whole truth. Because he sees you as his sister. It would be weird if you’d out of the blue start confessing that you may or may not have feelings for him.

“Needed?”

“Can I get a hug?” why did you just ask that? What is wrong with you lately? It kept happening lately that you say things you don’t actually want to say “Umm..I mean ..” you tried to save yourself, but you couldn’t find a way out.

“Come here.” He spoke softly while smiling and opening his arms.

You couldn’t resist yourself. Immediately you took the opportunity and clucked yourself onto him. Both of you stayed in the embrace for a while.

Somehow you felt the urge to cry. And you did. He stroked your hair, hoping it would make you feel better.

“Thank you, I didn’t know I needed that.” You smiled at him as you broke from the embrace.

“My pleasure, princess. Now, if you want to talk about the real reason you’ve been avoiding me, which I know you still don’t want to reveal, you know where to find me.” He sent you a wink and apparated out of the room.

“How did he….” you muttered to yourself but didn’t finish the sentence as you were laughing and shaking your head.

Maybe what you were feeling wasn’t as different as to what Severus accused you of. Maybe you did have a crush on Sirius.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning you woke up feeling much better than you have been feeling for the past weeks. You didn’t know whether it was because you managed for once to get a full night’s rest or because of the conversation you had with Sirius. A smile crept its way on your face at the thought of him. For a fact, you knew you dreamt of him last night, but yet you can’t seem to remember what had happened. It didn’t matter though, because at the moment you just wanted to see him. Actually, you wanted to hug him again or better, kiss him. It took you quite as a surprise that you thought of kissing him. You’d be lying if you said that you had never thought of it, but you never made peace with the fact that you genuinely just wanted to kiss him till now. In the past, if you had felt any attraction to him, you’d just blame it on puberty. He was by far the most attractive boy attending Hogwarts, so, it was normal for a teen to feel that way. But now, now it’s different. You didn’t want to kiss him because you had the hots for him, no, you wanted to do so because you were sure that you were falling for him. And not for his appearance. Something must’ve changed overnight. You had a pretty positive feeling that it involved your dream. But you didn’t have much time to think of it since you were already running late for breakfast.

Today started weird and even became weirder. Just as you entered the Great Hall to sit all by yourself like you have been doing, since you and Severus ignored each other, Lily Evans appeared out of nowhere, startled you and pulled you to sit with them. Normally if she tried to talk you into doing something, you would resist as hard as you could and surprisingly won, but today you just didn’t care. If she wanted you to sit with them, then you’d do it. At least you’d have something much better to look at than the faces of these pureblood Slytherins who complain about everything and everyone. And yes, you meant Sirius Black.

It didn’t go unnoticed of you when Lily looked around the Great Hall every few seconds as if she expected someone.

“Everything alright with you, Lils?” you asked concerned. She just nodded and shot you a gorgeous smile. After these few weeks, you grew quite fond of her. She wasn’t the Gryffindor your brother and probably Severus too had a crush on or the little miss sunshine as you would use to call her, because you had to admit that you were quite jealous of her grades, anymore. Lily Evans was your friend. No, you considered her as more than a friend, but would go to the length of calling her your best friend. This title still belonged to Severus Snape, much to your dismay.

You might have not spoken to him at all, cried yourself to sleep for several days and were still hurt by the things he said, but he still had a special place in your heart. It was just the bond you had.

Thinking back to him, you sensed yourself getting a little on the downside again. Then your mind raced to where you were sitting. If he saw you with the Marauders and Lily, he would for sure be more disappointed in you.

All of a sudden, you felt a tap on your shoulder, interrupting your messy thoughts. Turning around, as if conjured by a spell Snape stood just a mere meter away from you.

“Can we talk?” he seemed a little annoyed and nervous at the same time. It’s not always something one notices when looking at Severus. He mostly has a cold demeanor, never showing people he doesn’t like any emotions. Must’ve been a thing he picked up form the Slytherins, just like you.

You looked back at your brother seeing him really tense and you could say ready to hex the hell out of him, while Sirius just looked at him with an expression to tell him to go fuck himself.

Feeling the need to save your former best buddy, you stood up and motioned him to walk.

As the both of you reached the corridor beside the Great Hall, you prepared yourself to get yelled at again.

“What do you want, Severus?”

After what seemed like an entirety, he finally said something.

“I came to apologize.” He mumbles to himself.

When you hear those words, it took you your whole will and pride not to smile or show any affection. You were by all means very happy, but you didn’t want him to get away with what he did that easy.

“Excuse me, I didn’t hear you?” you put your hand to your ear, acting as if you wanted him to hear him clearer.

“I know bloody well, you heard me.”

“Doesn’t hurt to say again.” You flashed him a big toothy grin, deciding to give in.

“I hate you.” His statement made you laugh. At last, you had your insulting best friend back.

“I came to apologize, (Y/N). I overreacted. It was unheard of me. I should’ve let you explain.” He continued seriously, but you knew he was hurting a bit, just like it hurt you listening to him.

Out of happiness, you threw yourself at Severus, almost choking him.

Just as expected he started to complain amusingly.

“You are suffocating me. Is that your act of revenge?”

But shortly after he finished the sentence something happened that has never happened before. He hugged you back.

Confused you pulled back, looking skeptically at him.

“Who are you? And what have you done to my anti-social friend?”

“Oh, shut up!”

“There you are! I thought somebody had killed you!”

He rolled your eyes at your dramatic act, but if he were honest, he missed your joked more than he liked to acknowledge.

“Did Lily put you up to this?” you asked out of the blue, wanting desperately to know the real reason he overcame his stubbornness.

“What?”

“I know for a fact that that you are too thick to come to me and beg forgiveness without anyone talking you into doing so or forcing to do it.”

He tried to figure out if you were angry at him or sad, but he couldn’t read your expression.

“She did.” He looked down, avoiding your gaze. “And she explained everything to me.”

At this very moment, you felt a wave of guilt hit you. He must be feeling awful right now. You felt awful yourself. Ashamed would be more correctly used. Right now, in front of your very own eyes, your best friend was apologizing for something he may be right at. Not just moments ago, you were dreamingly thinking inappropriately of the person he hates the most.

To your luck, he brought you back to reality, making you instantly forget the horrible feeling that you were experiencing.

“And you are right. I can be sometimes a little bit thick-headed.”

“Sometimes?” you broke into a fit of laughter.

“Alright. Maybe a lot.” Without acknowledging it himself, he smiled at your remark.

“It’s lovely to have my best friend back.” You said softly while giving him a warm and inviting smile.

“For Merlin’s sake, stop being so cheesy.!” Even though he tried to mask his feelings, you knew that he was glad too.

“Never!”

After a few laughs, both of you feel into an awkward silence.

“Severus, you know he is my brother, right?” you had to address the elephant in the room or you’d find yourself in a devil’s circle.

“I know. It still doesn’t excuse his actions.” He replied coldly.

“I am not trying to excuse his actions, Severus.” You corrected him sternly. “What he did was wrong, unfair and stupid. Still, I can’t be angry at him forever. He was a young idiotic boy. But now he has grown up.”

You laid a hand on his shoulder scared that he might leave again.

“When was the last time they pulled a prank on you?”

Severus only looked away in response.

“I know it is a big request, but can’t you just at least pretend that you like him? Only pretend. For me. Please.” You were never the one for pleading, but it just felt necessary to do.

What you were asking of him was enormous. In order to fulfill your favor, you were asking him to forget about all the times James humiliated him in the presence of every single person. In front of Lily.

He should forgive him for taking his dignity away?

The raven-haired Slytherin was about to leave, hoping you would reconsider your wish, but you held him captive with what you said next, touching a spot of weakness in him.

“Can you just once be happy for me?”

He has never seen you as hopeless as now. You always got what you wanted without even having to raise your finger. You were the Slytherin Queen.

What Severus responded he immediately regretted but didn’t show for your happiness’s sake.

“Alright, I’ll do it.”


	7. Chapter 7

The Christmas holiday was just around the corner and since you and James were almost 17 your parents believed it was time for a little trip only for themselves, thinking that the both of were good left on your own for the weekend before Christmas. They didn’t completely trust James, but they trusted you, knowing that you’d stop your brother from making stupid decisions. Well, they didn’t know that you may have changed a bit.

The night before Jams and you left for your home, the night before THE weekend, James announced that you’d be throwing a party.

Now, what your mother and father expected you to do were stop him, but what a surprise! You didn’t. A fun break sounded too appealing. And what’s the worst thing that could happen? There’s nothing you can’t fix with a little bit of magic! He invited almost everyone. Almost. No Slytherins. Except for you and Severus, at your own request. But Severus being the Snape he was, declined the offer saying parties weren’t really his scenery. Honestly; what was?

Entering the Gryffindor Common Room, which everyone was used to by now because you were the famous Potter’s sister after all. You spotted a lazy extremely handsome boy-man laying on the couch, listening to the music coming out of a Walkman James had bought him for his fifteen’s birthday. Being in the good mood you were in, you decided to have some early fun.

Tip-toeing your way to the couch, you stretched your hands out, scaring the poor Gryffindor by starting tickling him. Every close friend of Sirius’ knew how ticklish he really was. He quickly caught up on the fact that it was you and out-strong you by grabbing your shoulders and flipping you over on the couch, tugging your hands above your head and using them as “support” to pin you on the couch while hovering above you.

If a person were about to come in at that moment, they would probably leave instantly, because you looked pretty guilty of having done or doing inappropriate things.

But to your luck, no one came in.

For a moment, the laughing and fun stopped. You lost yourself in his eyes, only noticing now that he had a little grey in his eyes. And his skin. Oh, his skin looked so soft. All you wanted to do was touch it. Impulsively, you did as you wished, slipping out of his grip and caressing his cheek with your thumbs. It was indeed soft. While you were doing these kind-of involuntarily actions, a part of Sirius’ mind was running questions through his brain and the other was simply taking in your beauty.

“James will be here soon, so, if I were you I would separate. Immediately.” Remus warned as he took a seat next to you on the armchair eyes fixed on book in his hands.

And with that, you jumped off of each other. As if called by Lily, James rushed into the room. He didn’t look stressed. No, he looked very much Jame-y.

“Moony, Padfoot and AH! Sister!” he enthusiastically exclaimed, “A splendid day isn’t it?”

“It’s minus thirteen degrees outside.” Remus state, still not looking up.

Remus was a person you very much liked the most as a character out of the Marauders. He was by far the nicest, wittiest and smartest of them all. That is why you sometimes went to him when you needed advice.

Having to find it out the hard way, you knew about Remus’ little furry problem and Sirius and your brother being animagis, when you had been in the gardens at night sketching and being attacked by the werewolf. But you didn’t fear him. Nor did you think that he should be treated differently. His condition didn’t change a single thing in your friendship.

“What has gotten you into a good mood? No, let me guess. Lily agreed to come to the party.” Sirius smirked at your brother.

“Yep!” James looked like a happy puppy which made you happy too.

“What happened to you? You like a tomato.” James addressed you, laughing.

“What are you talking about?” shit.

“She’s blushing.” Remus added, still not tearing his eyes from that book. You will definitely kill him. He knew of your crush over Sirius.

“Blushing? What are you blushing about?” a look of confusion took upon the face of your dear brother.

“I am not blushing, you morons.” You tried to sound annoyed and cool but came out very desperately.

“You are definitely blushing, love.” Sirius hummed, licking his lips.

You wanted to slap him so badly.

“What’s with the nickname, Pads?” Oh, yay, here comes the overprotective brother again.

Before Sirius could response Remus cut him off.

“He calls everyone ‘Love’. He even called you ‘love’ on multiple occasions, Prongs.” Great save, Remus, you thought.

“Yeah, whatever.” The big brother went to his and his friend’s shared room to pack, but still looked at you and Sirius suspiciously.

As James was out of earshot, Remus stood up, closed his book, looked down at the both of you.

“You are such kids.” And with that, he left the room.

What was that supposed to mean, you wondered.

“I should go pack too…” you tried to stand up but were unable of doing so, because two strong arms made their way to your waist pulling you down again. And then the intruder leaned his head on your shoulder.

You could feel Sirius’ hot breath against your neck, tickling you with sensation. When did both of you get so close?

Who told him he was allowed to do that? Who did he think he was? Well, he’s Sirius Black, he’s allowed to do anything. But still, your brother had just been here, accusing you of having an ‘affair’ with his best mate.

“So soon? You just came.” His voice was so angelic. Lord have mercy. It was so deep, but yet so soft and sweet. And at the same time so seductively. Did he do that on purpose? Does he know what he was doing to you? That devil.

“First of all, I just came checking by if James was packing,” you struggled your way out of his embrace, finally succeeding. And secondly, hands off. You want to do that? Ask me on a date and maybe after a few, I will decide whether or not you can touch me.” Just as the last words slipped, you instantly wanted to take them back. These Words could be easily misinterpreted. And Sirius being the Sirius he was thinking about the exact thing you didn’t want him to think of while wetting his lips and scanning your whole frame.

“Okay, NO! Even if you were to ask me out, I wouldn’t agree on going. You pushed your luck, lad.”

“Who said I would ask you out?” he teased while giving you his famous smirk.

“Yeah, whatever.” You rolled your eyes, hiding your panic and speeding heart, and exited the Gryffindor Common Room.


	8. Chapter 8

Two days later, the evening of the party, you stood before your mirror wondering what the hell you were doing.

You personally weren’t the party type, but like explained you desperately needed something to occupy your mind so that you don’t think of school anymore. And maybe. Only maybe, you wanted to impress a certain Black. A bit.

Looking at yourself, you knew the outfit Lily had chosen for you would probably catch his attention. It would most definitely catch anyone’s attention.

You wore a knee-high black leather skirt with matching combat boots and a fitting white Guns n’ Roses (if it bothers you, imagine another Band) shirt. It was certainly a bit too daring for your taste. Especially since you normally only wore jumpers and jeans. Cute jumpers and jeans. So, that what you were currently wearing was next level clothing. But it felt good. It felt like you were a total badass. Just like a true Slytherin Queen.

“No. Change now.”

Turning to see James leaning against the doorframe, giving you a stern look, did frighten you a bit. But not enough.

“Nope, not going to do that. Deal with it.” Your bitchy attitude decided to show once more.

“You are not going to show yourself downstairs looking like that.”

Usually, you thought his overprotective brother persona was adorable, but now it’s just getting ridiculous.

“Sorry, sis, but you look exactly like those girls who throw themselves at Sirius. And you aren’t as cheap as them.” He tried to come up with the best reasonable explanation to why you shouldn’t attend the party looking as you looked and it started to become a tiny bit adorable that he cared.

“Are you implying that I look like a bitch?”

“Yep, that’s exactly what I meant.” Excuse him. What did he just say?

“I think she looks badass. And no, the girls Sirius toys with have less sass and class than her.” Lily interrupted, taking over the role of Remus, trying to prevent another fight from happening.

“Plus, she looks punk rock.” She added throwing James a big smile, hoping he’ll forget about the subject.

James finally caught up on the fact that Lily was present too, tearing his eyes off of you to admire her.

Lily wore something similar to you. Just her skirt was dark red and her shirt was plain white, which made her beautiful ginger hair stand out more.

In a matter of seconds, James switched from over-protective brother to a love-struck puppy.

“You-you look awesome.” He stuttered out, unconsciously grinning like a fool. Traitor.

“I know and so does (Y/N).” Lily stated, taking control of him. He knew that she was doing so, but never the less didn’t care.

“Mmmhh-yeah right.”

You were pretty sure he didn’t listen to what she was saying, too distracted by her appearance.

“Please get a room that isn’t mine.” You whined, almost feeling sick.

When he didn’t move and Lily didn’t stop seducing him, you just had to get out of the room. And with that you went downstairs, opening the door because someone just rang.

There he stood. Your Danny Zuko (even if the movie still wasn’t released yet.).

His look matched your own. He wore a gray shirt, over it a black leather jacket, black combat boots, and black jeans. The smirk he had on just moments before disappeared, looking at you with parted lips, obviously checking you out, but not willingly this time.

That was your ultimate chance to shine and tease him.

“Like what you see, huh?” you finally were able to use his methods against him. And oh, does it feel good.

“You’re trying to kill me, love.” He mumbles to himself as he snapped back to reality, entering his house.

“What was that?” Innocently you shot him another smile.

“Nothing, nothing. Where are the others?” he tried to change the subject, not wanting to embarrass himself any further. You let it slip. The night was still young.

“Remus is coming late since he missed the train. Peter isn’t going to show. Lily is upstairs, probably trying to escape James and Sev-“ you stopped halfway through, remembering that they weren’t really acquainted and that it’s probably not good to talk about your best friend in front of Sirius.

“Snivellus coming?” just like that, any attraction and intentions you had on teasing and flirting with him melted away with that stupid comment, making you boil with anger.

“His name is Severus, Sirius. For the last time. His. Name. Is. Severus. Does your little brain have a problem with such?” you snapped back.

“Woah, Woah, chill princess. I am just joking.” He got the memo that he touched a soft spot here. But he had to be honest: You were adorable while being angry. Just like a cinnamon roll.

“Is Snape coming?” he asked carefully this time not wanting you to kill him, even if you would’ve looked hot and cute while doing it.

“He said he’ll consider coming.” You calmed down, returning to your previous state.

“Great.” His sarcasm was not to miss, but you chose to ignore it.

After what seemed like five minutes your home was filled with Hogwarts students. Some were drinking, some were making out and others were dancing. Even Lily and James were much to your surprise already eating each other up and Sirius was getting smashed drunk while Remus just arrived.

He looked uncomfortable with the whole situation, so, you joined him by the couch, which was thank merlin not occupied by horny teens.

“You are trying way too hard.” He said while casually sipping his coke.

“Mhhm?” you didn’t pay attention to him before, too busy glancing at the door.

“I said you shouldn’t put so much effort in trying to seduce Sirius. You shouldn’t change yourself for him. If he doesn’t like you with your cozy jumpers on then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Who said that I am trying to seduce Sirius?” Your gaze was still fixated on the door, in hopes of it opening soon.

“Come on. Your whole outfit screams “ready to screw-“. Okay, why are you looking at that door? Who are you expecting?”

“Severus said he might come.”

Remus said nothing. He knew that Severus wouldn’t show up for obvious reasons.

“You know what?” you stood up, stretching yourself, being tired of waiting, “I need a drink!”

Sirius wasn’t at the ‘bar’ anymore. Your eyes trailed all over the room. Finally, they spotted your ‘not so secret’ secret crush. Exactly at that moment, your heart sank.

His lips were attached to a beautiful redhead. Marlene McKinnon you believed.

How could you be so naïve? Why did you think you had a shot with him? You are the sister of his best mate for fuck’s sake. And how could you have been so cruel? If you and Sirius did have something then Severus would be hurt.

Stupid. Just fucking pathetic. You felt fucking pathetic.

Instead of grabbing a coke, as you had planned, you opened a bottle of fire-whiskey. Maybe that would make you forget that disgusting sight.

“What do you think you are doing?” James suddenly appeared from behind you, taking the cup from your hand.

“Hey! I wanted to drink that!”

“You are not to drink alcohol, understood?”

“Excuse me?” you didn’t the nerves nor the will to keep up with his bullshit. Soon you felt like you were about to explode. “I am not allowed to drink at my own party?”

“Yep, deal with it.”

It always amazed people how much alike you and your brother were. Using the same phrases. Having the same ego. The same sense in fashion.

The only difference or better said two differences, were your looks, obviously and you knew when to stop. He didn’t.

You ignored him, taking another cup and were about to reach for the fire-whiskey again when James’ hand caught your arm.

“I said no! You are not going to drink I don’t want to be the reason to why you are going to do something utterly stupid.” There he hit a nerve.

“So, I m not allowed to drink, but you are?”

“I am not drinking either. Plus, if I would I could handle myself. You on the other hand not. I don’t want you to start making out with so idiot or worse. Just understand, alright?” That was enough for today. That was enough to burst your bubble. You couldn’t take it anymore.

“No. No, I don’t think I understand, James?” Anger wasn’t always something that shows easily on you, but now? Now you looked as if you were about to rip his head off.

How could he possibly think that you were so stupid? Yes, drinking might be stupid, you were sure that you could handle yourself.

Out of boiling rage, you took the bottle of liquor and threw it against the wall. This action was to your luck only witnessed by James, Lily, and Remus, because the music was too loud.

Just as the bottle smashed into millions of pieces, patted James on the shoulder smiling hatefully at him.

“You won, big brother. Now. Leave. Me. The. Hell. Alone.”


	9. Chapter 9

Ever since you were little, you’d go to the woods next to your house when you had a fight with someone, mostly James, or if you’d just feel upset. Today was no different.

Walking through nature, inhaling the scent of the trees helped you calm down every single time. But the best part of these woods was that they had a hidden paradise in them, as you’d call that spot.

Right in the center, surrounded by small bushes was a beautiful small fountain. On the old with moss-covered stone edge of the water source where initials carved in. You’d like to believe that they belonged to the previous owners of your home.

Running your almost frozen hands over the letters you found yourself wondering if you’d ever find love like they did. For all you knew, they lived a happy and bright life despite the husband being a muggle and having to give up his previous life for the wife. To you, it was a true love story.

But you were still a teenager, you had time.

Today the fountain looked particularly heavenly with the moon reflecting on the water and the stars shining bright on the dark sky.

Do you know what the brightest star in the sky is called?

Sirius.

From the day you met the boy, you couldn’t look at the dog-star without thinking of the heartbreaker. Actually, you couldn’t look at any stars without thinking of him.

Just like the brightest star in the universe, he outshined everyone, making them admire his beauty.

Ironic, isn’t it?

He just had to be called Sirius.

But you didn’t want to think of him.

You didn’t want to think of your brother.

You didn’t want to think of Severus.

Not of school.

Not of anyone and anything.

But since you were a normal living human being, wishing that was useless.

Memories of not five minutes ago came flashing back. You couldn’t suppress the laughter that bubbled inside you. Sometimes you could be a real drama queen. And yes, that was you admitting that you possibly overreacted a few moments ago. But you weren’t sorry. James knew better than trying to control you.

A rattle from the bushes snapped you back to reality making you raise your wand steadily at the source.

Your nerves relaxed as you saw a familiar face revealing itself.

“He’s just worried about you.” Remus softly said as he sat next to you.

“Oh really?” you scoffed, “Has a funny way of showing it.” Letting out a sigh, you turned your gaze to the water.

“But he is trying. Just give him a break for once.”

“Someday, Moony. Someday.”

After what seemed like a lifetime talking, you and Remus decided to head back, hoping that the guests have left so you could get some cleaning done before come back and officially conduct you of mistrust.

To your luck, the house was empty except for Lily and James who were sleeping cuddled on the couch and the one boy you really didn’t want to see, passed out on the kitchen floor.

Sensing that the werewolf was very exhausted prior to the full moon having been a few days ago, you sent him to sleep in your room before entering your home, figuring out that you’d rather have him sleep there than his jockey friend and not knowing that you might’ve needed his help.

Even though you were angry with Sirius, it didn’t stop you from taking a picture of his messed sleeping form. Might come handy someday.

While you were at it, you also took pictures of the sleeping love birds, intending of using as blackmailing material on your redhead best friend.

Posterior of you cleaning the house by only using a few spells, you were about to go and get some rest yourself in your parent’s room, but your eyes caught a glimpse of the sleeping beauty on the floor again.

Long you stood before him, struggling whether or not to simply wake him up so that your parents won’t find him passed out somewhere he shouldn’t be and starting to ask questions, or just leave him sleeping on the cold tiles.

You tried to be cruel but couldn’t. No one deserves to sleep on the kitchen’s floor.

Nudging Sirius, you tried to wake him up, but he refused to open his eyes.

‘Oh, how great’, you thought.

Taking out your wand, you muttered a spell which sent the boy floating in the air. You brought him up to your brother’s room, knowing that it’s probably the only empty room besides your parent’s and you didn’t feel like sharing.

Just after covering him with a blanket and leaving to sleep yourself, the boy woke up. Obviously still drunk.

“You look beautiful in the moonlight.”

The moon was, in fact, shining through your brother’s widows right at you.

“You should go back to sleep.”

“Can you stay until I fall asleep? I enjoy your company very much.” He slurred while flashing you a dashing smile. God was he adorable when drunk.

There was an internal war going in your head. Should you stay or should you go? Are you going to forgive him so easily? Well, he might not know that you like him, but he was still an arse. No. No. He will not sweet talk his way to your heart again. Why can’t you stay angry at him for longer than 5 hours? How did he always manage to make you a complete mess?

Despite your protest, you sat on the edge of the bed next to him. A stray of hair covered his face as he laid there, looking up to you as if you are the most amazing and interesting thing in the world. Since he wouldn’t remember any of what’s going to happen or happened, you tugged the piece of hair behind his ear, not moving your hand away from the side of his face.

How could God have created someone so perfect? Every single feature of his façade and even of his body was as if it had been crafted by the man upstairs himself. That was unfair towards the others. But well, with perfection comes a miserable life. Everything he had suffered was nasty cruel and vile. Your parents being is different than having them abandon you from the family. You knew that your real parents died protecting you, they died so you could live and have a happy life and they still lived in your heart. Being disowned, knowing that your parents don’t love you, knowing that they think that you a disgrace just because you don’t fit into their traditions and because you can’t fulfill their expectations is horrid and sickening. But unfortunately, everyone has to get through life. You so dearly hoped that he’d be avenged for what he had been through. After all, he’s just a human.

His eyes never left yours. From his expression, you knew that he was fighting to stay awake. Only ten seconds passed when he finally gave in, resting his eyes and letting light snores escape his lips.

Before leaving the room, you pressed a small kiss onto his forehead and whispering more to yourself than him as you pulled away.

“If only you knew how much you mean to me.”


	10. Chapter 10

Sleeping didn’t come easy to you that night. Even though you were tired as hell, a million thoughts ran through your brain. Was he being serious (Sirius…hahaha) when he said that he liked being in the presence of you or was it the alcohol speaking? And why? Why did he check you out while not being entirely subtle and then go snogging another girl? A girl that was ten thousand times hotter than you. It made you very miserable. They way she looked. The way she acted. You so dearly wished you were her. Yes, you had to admit, you were very much jealous of her. She was the definition of perfect. Compared to her, you where nothing. With those doubtful thoughts, you finally fell asleep.

Your parents hadn’t still come home when you woke up. Seizing the moment, you went to the kitchen to make so breakfast. It only happened on rear occasions that you’d cook. It wasn’t that your cooking is horrible, but you were just too lazy to do it yourself. But today was Christmas Eve, so you thought you might surprise your friend with an early gift.

As if awoken by the smell, the still sleepy teens entered the room, one after another. Just one was missing. The famous lady killer.

“It’s six in the morning, how can you all be up already?” you greeted, laughing at the again asleep Remus, who was lying face first on the cool kitchen floor.

“The smell of your freshly made pancakes must have woken us up.” James mumbled in between yawning.

“Well, too bad that you are not going to get any, my dear brother.” You stated, trying to suppress a smirk from appearing, giving your best to look seriously at your brother.

“What? What have I done now?!” he exclaimed, pounding like an angry child. “Oh…” now realization finally hit him.

“Oh, indeed.”

“I am not sorry for what I did.” It came out as more of a regret than he had planned. “Okay maybe a little, but I still stand to my decision.” His pride overcame him again.

“Good for you.” You shot him an evil smile, “I guess no pancakes then.”

In that particular moment, a messy-haired, a shirtless only in boxers and shorts dressed Sirius came in, making you nearly drop the plate in your hands.

You were quite sure that it was forbidden to look that devilishly on such a holy day.

The moment he set foot in the kitchen, his eyes immediately landed on you, giving you his goddamn smirk again. Oh, for fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he just stop with this act. It made you more vulnerable than you already were.

“Good morning, gentlemen.” He looked down at Remus, kicking him lightly with his foot to see if he was still alive.

“Piss off, Pads.” The werewolf groaned.

“Ah, I see you are still with us.” He turned his attention back to you. “Good morning, ladies.” He said with an undertone that quite unsettled you.

Moving passed you, he took an apple from the counter next to you, brushing his bare arm on yours. Turning to face you at the contact, his façade was just millimeters away from yours, looking intensely from your eyes to your lips.

As you caught yourself staring at him the same as he did, you cleared your throat.

“Um, would-would you like some pancakes?” you asked nervously, trying to hide the fact you were completely distracted by his looks.

Then his million-dollar smile, and no, not his smirk, his smile crept on his face. A smile that you were a hundred percent sure, was made from the angles themselves.

“Yes, I would like that love.” He walked over to James, sitting next to him on the table, dragging Remus up from the floor.

You were disappointed in yourself. Just as you said you had enough of him, you seemed to fall deeper for him. It drove you crazy.

But something, something kept you wondering. Something made you believe that maybe your feelings for him weren’t as hopeless as you thought.

And there were even moments where you didn’t necessarily want to punch him in his perfect teeth. Right now, you were witnessing one of these delicate ones.

He was sitting at the kitchen table, helping his friend gain consciousness, while trying to convince the other to just apologize, knowing the pancakes were worth it, even if it meant hurting one’s ego, and all that while smiling like a goof.

If you hadn’t turned your attention from that same moment you caught yourself staring at the sight in front of you, the pancakes would’ve burned the whole house down. One of the reasons you didn’t like to cook.

When finishing you moved over to them, carrying the plates, trying not to stumble on the floor while doing so.

“One plate for the beautiful and most amazing witch at Hogwarts.” you winked at her, making James a tad jealous when she blushed, “One for the brainiest nerd in Hogwarts and the nicest wolf to ever walk this earth.” You ruffled his hair, knowing damn well that he loved it. “And one for a certain Mr. Black.” You handed him his plate, avoiding his gaze

“No compliment for me? I am deeply hurt, love.” he sounded teasingly wounded.

Ignoring his complaints, rolling your eyes, you moved back to the stove, making yourself and also James some pancakes, knowing that your brother would come crawling in some seconds

“Oh, come on, (Y/N)!” There he was. Right on time.

“Yes, dear brother. You called?” you turned to him playfully fluttering with your eyelashes.

Instead of saying anything James just sat there looking as if he wanted to kill you. Oh hell, you loved the look on his face, it made you laugh every single time.

“Still no hearing a sorry.” You sang, putting your hand behind your ear.

“Okay! Okay!” Bingo, “ I may have over exaggerated yesterday.”

“And….”

“And I am sorry.” He muttered under his breath.

“Pardon me, what did you say?” you very well heard him, he knew, but torturing him was too fun.

“I am sorry alright!” he shouted, overreacting like a true drama queen again.

“And one plate for Mr. Idiot.” You gave him his pancakes, patting him on his shoulder, “See it wasn’t that bad, now was it?”

He only growled in response.

Handing everyone their drinks, you made Sirius a black coffee, lessening the headache he was probably having.

“Here you go.” You pressed the mug in his hands, hoping not to touch him.

This time you dared to look at him again, as you gave him his cure. This boy only grew more beautiful each passing day. He gave you a small wink as he took a sip from his coffee.

“You’re a real life savior, lover”

Somehow you remembered yesterday at that exact moment, growing a bit annoyed and angry at him.

At first, he had the audacity to flirt with you then he smooched another girl and now he flirts again.

Sensing a tension growing between you and Sirius, probably because of how you were looking at him at the moment, James decided to cut in.

“Hey Pads, when my father and I said you should feel at home here, we meant that you should feel a bit sensitive toward the subject. That means as long as my sister is in our presence, clothes.”

“But it is so fricking hot here.” He casually sipped his coffee again ignoring James.

Before you were able to open your mouth and somehow ruin everything, the front door opened.

Your parents were home again.

“Do I smell pancakes?” Fleamont yelled from the living room.

You had to laugh. Your father was such a man-child. You brother inherited it from him.

Both, your father and your mother stepped into the kitchen. Your mother pulled you in a tight hug. No, actually she pulled everyone in a tight hug, that is just the way she was.

“Sirius honey, I know you are a handsome young man an I am happy that you love to show the world that, but it’s minus 20 degrees outside and our house isn’t that cold resistant. Go put on some clothes before you get sick.”


	11. Chapter 11

Later that evening, after Remus and Lily left for their homes, your family, Sirius and you were all gathered up at the dining room. It was Christmas Eve! And it was the first Christmas you spent with the young Black. He actually thought that he wasn’t welcomed at this occasion in your home and planned to sneak out while lunch, not wanting to cause a scene or disturb you but after several assurances from your parents and teasing from James, he came to the realization that maybe it wasn’t really just chivalry that made you welcome him into the family but love and concern.

He was rather quiet during dinner and even during the exchange of gifts. It made you worry a bit. Was he missing his family?

Somehow all of the tension from the day before and the morning just disappeared when you were with your family. All you could think of when you saw him was a family friend who was in need of a new family. And that was what you were going to give him. The best Christmas ever.

“Aww thanks, Jamie!” you hugged your brother, giving him a small peck on his cheek while holding the unwrapped music tapes you received from him.

“Anything for my baby sister.” He ruffled your hair, kissing the top of your head.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Sirius leaning against the couch observing the both of you. He had a warm grin plastered on his face. He was happy, but there was an obvious hint of sadness in his eyes, which he tried very hard to hide.

When you broke out of the embrace of your brother, he didn’t bother to look away; he just sat next to you on the carpet, a small distance between you, looking you straight in the face. It didn’t seem like he was aware that he was staring at you. Something in his expression changed. He didn’t possess that sadness like before anymore. No, instead it changed to a look you couldn’t quite make sense of. This wasn’t the first time he’d look at you that way. You caught him many, many times staring at you that way.

Often, you’d think of asking him what was going on in his mind at the moment, but every time you try to do so someone would interrupt.

Now, with nothing standing in your way, you still decided not to ask, since your family was sitting right next to both of you.

His eyes were so warm, his look so contagious, that you couldn’t help but lose yourself in him. It felt so unrealistic, sitting there, having his eyes on you. It seemed like a dream. One of those you wouldn’t want to wake up from. 

“(Y/N), dear?” Your mother brought you back to reality, holding her hand out to you.

Feeling caught at something you shouldn’t do, you felt yourself blush a bit, rushing behind your mother to the kitchen at her request.

She started to take out the dessert from the refrigerator before she stopped and turned to you.

“Princess, I don’t think we ever had the time to talk properly.” She pulled out a chair for you, motioning to sit down.

Her sudden strange behavior scared you a bit. What talk was she referring to? You already knew where babies came from. You didn’t need to have that talk. 

“About what?” your confusion was not to miss. Euphemia took a seat next to you, holding both of our hands.

“Don’t worry dear you aren’t in trouble.” Her enchanting smile made you calm down a little “I have noticed that we’ve actually never spoken about boys. Boyfriends.”

No. No. No. NOOOO. You were Not going to have THAT talk with your mother. NOPE. Wasn’t it enough of James to spook every boy that has talked to you, interfering in everything in your life? But now she wants to take part in that too?

It’s not like you were going to have a boyfriend any time soon. Not when you were still at the same school as James. Not when you still lived with him. You didn’t really take any offense of her wanting to know what was going on, but you yourself didn’t really know what was going on in your love life, how should you explain that to her?

“Mother, I-“ you tried to talk yourself out of the conversation that was about to happen, but she didn’t allow you.

“Dear, I am not here to tell you what to do and what not to, I just want to warn you to be careful, alright?”

Her normal warm aura faded away, concern taking over. Why was she worried?

“I will be careful, momma. You have nothing to be worried about.” You assured her.

In response, she put her hand on your cheek stroking it gently.

“Good.” She stood up, clapping her hands together and looked at you lovingly. But then she started laughing. “Never since you came here have, I thought you liked bad boys. I always assumed you liked calmer ones. I was so convinced that you’d end up with Remus or even Severus.”

Wait, what?

“Mom, what are you talking about?”

“I am not blind, my dear! The way you look at that fine gentleman sitting in our living room reminds me of the way I used to look at your father. And the way he keeps staring at is just so adorable!”

“What is adorable?”

Jumping at the sudden voice behind you, Sirius was leaning against the doorway with his best innocent smile on.

“Girls talk, Sirius. None of your business.” Your mother shot at him playfully.

He only laughed in return; his eyes find their way to yours again.

“Girls talk? Oh yes! I love Girls talk! Have you seen Miss Roberts today? Her hair! It looked horrifying!” he spoke in a mocking voice, making fun of your neighbor, earning himself laughs from you and your mother.

“Pads, what is taking you so long? Have they kidnapped you?” James called out.

“No, my dear! We are just having some girls talk!” he shouted back, keeping up with the act.

“Mom! You turned my best friend into brat! Thank you very much!” your brother hit friend on the back of his head.

Such idiots.

Moments like these, you cherished a lot. Everything was perfect. Everybody was laughing. There were no problems, no arguments, no tension, no sadness. Everything was just perfect.

“Boys! Come back here! The quidditch game is about to start!” your father yelled.

Sirius quickly moved by you taking a six-pack of coke your mother cooled with her wand from the table, giving you a wink as he picked it up and speeding to the TV.

“Such a charmer, aren’t I right?” your mother asked you as she saw the blush forming on your face.

“NO!” you snapped back, “Whatever you are referring to..” you waved your hand in the air, “is never going to happen! Ever! I promise!”

Euphemia just rolled her eyes at you, smirking. “Never promise such a thing, dear. You never know what will happen one day.” Then she left you alone in the kitchen.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally published a chapter after a month. I’m sorry guys but I had been through a rough time lately. Now, everything is back to normal, my exams have finished and summer break will start soon. That means I’ll start writing more. Thank you for the love and I hope you enjoy the chapter. Feedback will be appreciated.

Holding a little box in your hands, you tip-toed your way to one certain boy’s room. Why you didn’t give him the present before, when you all opened the presents, was a mystery to you. A mystery you deeply regretted now as you stood in front of the door that led to his room.

A feeling of nausea hit you. You couldn’t do this. This was dumb, you thought. Why should you give him a present when he didn’t give you one, was the excuse you came up with, so you didn’t have to face him.

When turning your heel to leave, the door opened revealing a shirtless, only dressed in pajama bottoms Sirius. Why did he always have to be shirtless at the most nerve-wracking moments? This boy didn’t know any remorse.

“Ah, exactly the princess I wanted to see!” he exclaimed teasingly with that damned smile that made you weak every time it even barely got to show showed.

Just now realizing that you were staring at his exposed abandonment, you hastily raised your gaze to fix on his face but that boy made it very hard for you.

“I-….Hey! What – I wasn’t expecting you.” You finally snapped away from his toned torso, feeling yourself heating up.

“What are you talking about, love? This is my room. Why shouldn’t I be there at ..uhm.” he looked at the wall clock. “One in the morning?”

Coming to your senses your eyes widen at the stupid mistake you made. As you were about to mumble an excuse, it was too late because the boy had caught up on what had distracted you.

“Like what you see? Or is it too much to process? Should I go and put on a shirt on, my love?” his smile turned to a smirk. He came a bit closer to you, leaning against the doorframe.

You took a few steps back, wanting to die in embarrassment.

“I-No-you-uhm. HERE!” you threw the box you had in your hand at him.

He was quick to catch it, face beaming as he saw the wrapping around it. Looking at you with the most adorable grin, he shook his head.

“You didn’t need to, love.”

“Yet I did. Go on. Open it.” You felt your heart swelling at the sight in front of you.

Eager to find out what it was, he tore the wrapping away, almost dropping the present.

He completely froze as he saw what was in it.

“You-You didn’t have to, love. That must have cost a fortune.” He looked you directly in the eyes, a sincere expression on his face.

“Trust me, it didn’t.” you quickly replied reassuring, a small smile gracing your face. “Can I?”

Giving you the box, where the watch was inside, you took it out, showing him the back of it.

“Merlin’s beard.” You heard him mumble as he traced his fingers along his craved initials and the dog paw under it.

Not a second after, you found yourself surrounded by his arms, flushed against his body. It felt warm and cozy. They were your second favorite place on earth, with your bed being the first.

“Thank you, (Y/N).” he caressed your hair.

Humming in response, you didn’t want him to stop. Somehow, his embrace felt like home. So familiar. So comforting.

But the feeling ended as you heard footsteps approaching. Jumping away from him, James appeared from under the cloak.

“What are you doing here?” he was fast to ask.

Looking at Sirius, you noticed that he had hidden the present. Good boy.

“I just wanted to ask him if he had seen my wand.” You lied.

When it came to lying to James lately, you were an expert.

“It is on the couch.” Your brother flatly answered. He didn’t seem happy about seeing you at night with his best friend. But you couldn’t blame him.

“Ah, thanks. So, what are you up to at one in the morning, Jamie?”

The mention of his nickname eased his nerves. His mischief grin formed on his face.

“I thought of having a quidditch match on the fields.” He proudly shared.

“I’m in.” Sirius responded. “How about you?”

“No, I’m fine.” Shaking your head, you smiled at the dorks in front of you. They were truly adorable.

“Alright, Sis.” Your brother turned to Prongs. “See you in 5?”

After he disappeared, the best friend stood in front of you with an envelope in his hands.

“I’ve got you something too.”

That made you laugh.

“No, love, you didn’t have to’” you mocked him. For that, you earned a ruffle through your hair from him.

“Here.” Pressing the envelope in your hands, he bent down till he was inches away from your face.

Having his façade so close to yours made you lose your breath. Everything on it was breath-taking, Hell, even he was breath-taking.

Before you realized what was happening, he pressed a soft kiss to your cheeks, whispering in your ear.

“Merry Christmas, love.”

And with that, he left.

Having a hard time to progress what had just occurred, your fingers reached out to the spot where his lips had touched you.

A million butterflies had just exploded in your stomach. Your heart was racing a hundred miles and everything was just suffocating.

He had just kissed you. His soft lips were on your skin. Sirius Black pecked you on your cheek. THE Sirius Black just did that.

Finally snapping back from the dream-like state you were in, you carefully opened the present.

A small beautiful silver necklace lay in it with a letter. Taking the necklace out, it had a diamond star attached to it.

You had to laugh as you thought back of him saying ‘You-You didn’t have to, love. That must have cost a fortune’. Some people really astonished you. They were the reason why you still believed that there was still some good in them and that they didn’t just do stuff for their own profit.

Sirius belonged to those human beings.

The letter was a normal parchment paper on which was neatly and clearly written:

Just like my name, you are the brightest star I know.

My attempts at writing nice notes are rather poor, but you aren’t.

That was it. That was the moment you realized that there was no way out. You were in love with him. And this necklace was evidence that the feelings were maybe returned.


	13. Chapter 13

A word that describes Sirius the best was confusing. You never knew what the boy wanted or didn’t. One day he would shamelessly flirt with you and the next he wouldn’t even acknowledge your existence. Well, he would only flirt with you when James wasn’t around. Still, it didn’t explain why he was acting like that. Something told you he was messing with you. Like he did with other girls. But you tried to ignore that inner voice. But then the flirting lessened and he just seemed to ignore you. Every time you wanted to talk to him about it, he seemed to change the subject. It, however, didn’t stop you from wondering why he was behaving that way. So, you decided to take matters in your own hands.

“Hey, Moony.” You cheered as Remus slumbered on a chair in the library next to you. Last night was full moon and the boy being still tired as hell, only lay his head on the desk and groaned in response.

“Guess someone is in the need of some chocolate.” You stated, while slowly pulling a bar out of your bag.

Seeing as the werewolf’s head raised itself instantly at the mention of his favorite candy, you put the bar on the table.

He skeptically looked your way, as if he didn’t believe that you were being so nice to him.

“What do you want?” he asked with raised eyebrows.

“Do I need a reason to buy the best of my best friends chocolate?” you fluttered innocently with your lashes.

“Please cut the crap, (Y/N/N).” he wasn’t having any of it, not that you believed he was dumb not to notice it anyways.

“Do you know why Sirius has been behaving so strange lately?” you shot immediately.

Now he looked even more confused than before.

“What do you mean?”

“You know,” you sighed, “One day he acts as if I’m the only girl for him and the next he doesn’t even look at me, Remus. I’m getting tired of his games. I don’t understand him. I thought he likes me.”

Seeing you so desperate and frustrated, put his hand on your shoulder and started to massage it a bit.

“I honestly do not know what goes up in his head, (Y/N).” he chuckled lightly. “But I can tell that he likes you a lot. Maybe more than he should.”

“Yeah, sure.” You scoffed, “If he did then he wouldn’t be around other girls every second he gets.”

“(Y/N), maybe you should have a chat with him.” Remus said as if it was the most obvious thing to do. And it honestly was but maybe you were too coward to realize it.

“What good will that do, Remus?” you let your head fall into your hands as they were shored up on the table, closing your eyes in frustration.

“More than you think, believe me.” Feeling a seat next to shift, Remus must’ve gotten up because not shortly after you felt his lips press a quick and small kiss on your head.

“I promised Longbottom, that I’d help with potions. See you at lunch.” He said as he made his way to the entry of the library

But before he had the chance to exist, you called his name which earned you a hush from everyone in the room.

“You forgot something.” You then said as quietly as you could when he looked at you quizzically. Throwing the chocolate in his direction, he was quick to catch. A wide smile spreading on his face, he blew you a kiss, before disappearing.

The day went by slowly. Despite being around Lily the whole time, James and Sirius seemed to have disappeared. Entering the Gryffindor common room on the late evening with her, you heard shouting and cheering.

Immediately running towards the source of noise, you stopped dead on your tracks.

Sirius lay on the floor, blood dripping from his nose onto his shirt, clothes torn and dirty, giggling. Honestly, what was wrong with this boy?

Above him stood someone from the 7th year, pulling him from the ground to punch him again probably. Before he could take another swing, you stepped in between them. Seriously, the boy had no chill. No day went by where he didn’t himself in some trouble.

“No, stop, please.” You pleaded as you freed Sirius from the grip of the Gryffindor.

“Aww, does your little Slytherin whore come to your rescue? Well, thought wrong.”

Before you knew what was happening, the large boy, forcefully pushed you onto the nearest wall, making you lose consciousness.

You felt your head pounding. It just wouldn’t stop. And these faded voices didn’t help.

“What the fucking hell were you thinking? Have you gone completely mad?!” The all too familiar voice of your brother shrieked, intensifying the headache.

“This moron got what he deserved.” Sirius mumbled.

“Yes, because I came.” He seemed not to have the audacity to lower his voice.

“If (Y/N) gets hurt in the process of your idiocy, I swear to god, Padfoot, you won’t ever see the light of day again.”

Trying to open your eyes, you recognized your surroundings. The Hospital Wing. Oh, how much you hated this place. After a few seconds of lights, your eyes shut themselves again. Maybe you should rest a bit more.

“(Y/N)?” Or maybe not.

Prying them open, Sirius sat on the bed, his hand in yours. His hand was so soft, it made you want to go back to sleep. Maybe everything made you sleepy.

“Hey.” you forced yourself to say, giving him a small smile.

Looking around, you noticed that James wasn’t here anymore. Wasn’t here just a minute ago?

If it wasn’t for the pain, you would be fawning right now. Sirius sat on the bed, concerned, holding your hand. What more could a girl want? Well, not to be in pain, to begin with.

“How are you feeling, love?” he the fingers of his free hand along your right cheek, giving you one of his brightest grins. But for obvious reasons, the lightness didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Regardless of everything you were feeling, the butterflies still exploded.

“Tired.”

“I understand.” He looked down your intertwined hands, inhaling a deep breath, “Love, I-“

“Where’s James?” you cut him off.

You knew that if he said something now that there was a chance that you wouldn’t remember it after you fall asleep again. And you wanted to remember it.

“He’s been summoned by Dumbledore.” He flatly answered, not daring to look you in the eyes.

Seeing that you were drifting off to sleep again, Sirius stood up and covered you with an extra blanket.

“Forgive me, love.” He whispered in your ear as you fell asleep.

Before he left the Hospital Wing, the handsome boy gave you a soft kiss on the cheek, lingering a few seconds more. If you were awake, you’d flip out but you, unfortunately, weren’t.

As he looked at you one last time, he knew.

He was in love with you. And there was no way he’d make it out alive.


	14. Chapter 14

As you woke up the following day you got greeted by an angry James. He lectured you about how irresponsible it was for you to have stepped in because supposedly ‘what Sirius gets himself into, he can get himself out of it’. To your luck, Madame Pomfrey shooed him away before he started yelling, demanding silence in the Hospital Wing.

Unfortunately, he didn’t give up on nagging around as you were allowed to leave there. But he was your least worries. What occupied your mind more was the sudden disappearance of the person who started all of this. He didn’t exactly vanish but he was not in the places he normally hung out at. It gave you an awful feeling that James had something to do with it. When you asked your brother about his friend’s whereabouts he only got worked up and brought up what had previously occurred. You honestly couldn’t have a normal conversation with him without him exploding on you at some point. The way he avoided mentioning his beloved Padfoot let the impression that they had a falling out which made you feel somewhat miserable. You couldn’t help but blame yourself for their fight.

As if James and the concussion weren’t enough of a headache, Severus just wouldn’t stop talking poorly about the Marauders.

“Sev, I’m fine.” You breathed, closing your eyes as if it helped making him disappear.

“Yes, right. Of course, you’re fine. Everyone is fine after having a concussion. It’s totally normal. I mean it’s very normal for dumb people who should actually mind their own business and not interfere with other people’s problems. I mean it’s very normal for idiots who defend a fucking moron who deserves to be beaten. I mean it’s normal for brainless fools who like being beaten instead. I mean it’s normal for proud Slytherins who-“

“SHUT IT.” you yelled in frustration.

You couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t he simply understand that you had enough? He never did.

“Just stop talking, okay? I’m sick of people yelling at me because I tried to break up a fight. And yes, Sev, you aren’t the only one. I’ve already had James, Lily and Remus over alright? I mean, what is wrong with you people? I was trying to help and you all act as if I started this mess.”

“You wanted to defend the person who had started it.” He muttered under his breath but clearly loud enough for you to hear. 

“What?” 

“That’s what you get for protecting an asshole.” He spat.

“Please, don’t start with that again.” You begged

“With what? Mhm? You mean, the topic about you obviously not telling me what is going on between you and Sirius?”

“There is nothing going on between us and you know it.”

Lately, he would always pick up on this topic. And it drove you insane.

“But it sounds like you wish.”

Taking a book form your shelf, he started to casually flip through it. The way he acted as if he knew everything, made you want to just slap him but you knew him. He just wanted to get under your skin.

“Can’t you just give me a break? It is this why you came here? To confront me? Do you even really care about my wellbeing? For weeks you’ve been going on and on about how I’m hiding things from you more than even spending actual quality time with me.”

“So, now I‘m the villain.” He laughed, throwing the book aside.

That was when you decided that you had it with his bullshit. He just wouldn’t stop.

“Yes, Severus, you are. And not because you are a Slytherin and the black sheep of everything. Because you just don’t know how to appreciate a friend, alright? You manage to drive everyone with your hate and pride away. Even your own housemates. And you know what? Even me. Now, I would very much like it if you leave me the hell alone.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Did he really just- Why couldn’t he just take you serious for once. The bored expression he wore made your blood boil in anger.

“Look at me.” you said sharply, “Look at me, Severus!” he still didn’t turn, instead, he continued looking at the other books you had piled on the shelf.

Not letting anyone disrespect you in your own room, you grabbed his chin and turned it to face you.

“Does it look like I‘m bluffing? Please, do me the favor and piss off.”

Finally, he had caught up on the fact that he had screwed up. Without another word, he threw the boo he had been eyeing away, slamming the door on his way out.

Just as he was out of your sight you inhaled deeply, letting yourself fall onto the bed exhaling. What have you done? You didn’t even recognize yourself anymore. Your heart was screaming at you for pushing your friend away but your mind couldn’t care less. It had much bigger problems than drama with a person who it knew you could make up with at any second.

Right now, you needed answers. You needed to know if what you have been going through these past months was worth it. You needed to know if the person who you would give your heart to would go through the same hell you have been experiencing for you.

Not really giving notice to your looks, you jumped out of bed and ran towards the Gryffindor dormitory. You couldn’t bare these headaches anymore, hoping these answers would numb them.

Not caring that it was almost midnight, you slammed your fist on the boys’ door. Several dorm doors opened but not the one of your brother’s. Losing your temper, you cased a spell on the lock, making the door open instantly.

The boys were laughing as you got in, eating some sweets they had bought form honey dukes on their last trip to Hogsmeade.

“Are you all deaf?” you exclaimed, completely out of breath because of the running you did.

Just then they all looked up. Judging by their faces they were surprised to see you there. They must’ve put a soundproof charm on the door.

“Ah, my beloved sister. As to what do we owe the pleasure of your presence?” James joked as he got up to hug you. But you were quick to dodge it. That was when he realized that something was wrong. “Everything alright, (Y/N/N)?”

“No, actually not.” Your gaze set on Sirius who was busy with examining his hands. “Could you all please leave, so I can have a word with your fellow Marauder?”

None understanding who you really meant, got up to leave you and James behind.

“Not you.” you put your hand on Sirius’ chest, stopping him from moving to the door.

James intended on saying something, but you shushed him by putting your finger up, looking at him sternly.

“Please, just a few minutes.” It was more of a demand than a wish.

Seeing that you were clearly not fine, your brother obeyed you, leaving the room at last.

“What do you need?” he still wouldn’t look at you.

“What happened?” you searched for his eyes but he wasn’t one to give up that quickly.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” he took a few steps back, stumbling on the bed.

“Then look at me.” You begged.

Probably hearing the desperateness in your voice, he looked up but not exactly at you.

“I’m not leaving this room until you tell me what’s wrong.” You said softly.

“There’s nothing to talk about, (Y/N).”

Denying it just made you want to start crying. You didn’t have the energy to beg him for telling you.

“Why do you act so distant, Sirius. What have I done?” your voice cracked, catching his attention quickly.

As if struck by lightning he stood up, holding your arms. It was clear that he was struggling with saying something. But after a while of avoiding eye contact, he put his finger under your chin, lifting it to look you in the eyes.

“You haven’t done anything, love. Don’t blame yourself for everything I do.” His tone was so sincere but you didn’t miss the sadness in it.

“Sirius, what is happening? I thought you liked me.” Involuntarily, tears started to dwell in your eyes. You wanted to hold them back, act strong but he just didn’t give you a choice. You wanted your sassy friend back.

Sighing, he let you go, pacing in the room instead.

“I thought you had feelings for me.” you managed to whisper. Since the room was so small and quiet, he heard you.

Stopping on his tracks, he turned to look at you again, clearly being on the verge of crying too.

“Love, as hard as I am falling for you, I just can’t do this to James nor you. You deserve much better, (Y/N).” by his expression you knew he was crumbling inside, just like you were doing.

“But I don’t want better, Sirius! I want you!” you couldn’t help but exclaim. He needed to understand that you’d go through a lot more hell just for him. He needed to understand that you were ready to leave everything behind just for him.

“Can’t you see! I am cursed! I can’t love anything without ruining it. I do not want to break your heart and ruin what we have of I haven’t already done that! I just- I can’t risk it. I’m truly sorry, love but you have to let me go. Just like I have to do the same.” His voice caught up on volume, almost yelling.

“You are being ridiculous, Sirius! You are not cursed. If you were then your bond with James would’ve been ruined long ago. If you were cursed then I wouldn’t love you even after everything you put me through. What made you even think of that? What happened? Since when does Sirius Black have insecurities?”

“Love, I-”

“Don’t. Just tell me the truth. Please!” growing impatient, you cut him off.

The boy stood in front of you in silence. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity of thinking, he opened his mouth.

“The truth is that I do not know what to do! Alright?! Just looking at you makes my best friend angry! And when I try to do something about it, I manage to hurt you because I am fucking dumb, making my best friend even angrier. And I do not know what to do! It feels like I am losing both!”

Despite your best efforts, having him saying that was enough for you to burst out on tears. Why did he always have to kill you internally? Why did he always put you in so much pain anger? So much pain?

“If you are so convinced that you are cursed and ruin everything that you love then why did you give me hope in the first place?” It was barely a whisper but he still heard it clearly.

“Because I am selfish and greedy. Because I thought that playing a bit around wouldn’t hurt anybody. Because I was dumb. Because I love you.”

His last phrase, caught you so off guard, it made your tears flow even more rapidly.

“If you loved me then you wouldn’t push me away that.”

“No, love, I push you away because I love you.” He was right. Some people tend to do that to the others that they love. But why didn’t he push away James then? Why does it have to be you?

If you weren’t so wrecked, you’d have slapped yourself for these thoughts. James was his everything, something you were sure you would never be to him.

Moving to you, you tried to escape but your feet wouldn’t let you.

“(Y/N), please don’t waste your tears on me. I’m not worth them.” His touch didn’t have the same effect on you as it had before. It didn’t feel like heaven on your skin anymore. It burned. So much.

“Stop saying that.”

“It doesn’t make it any less true.”

“I just can’t have you.”

“You could if you’d fight.”

Your eyes didn’t leave his face, waiting for an answer. But it never came. Instead, he just sighed. He would surely do it for James.

“So, what? Are we supposed to pretend as if this conversation never happened? Do we go back to being just friends who deny their feelings towards the other?”

“No, I suppose we can’t.” it echoed through the room.

You had your answers.

Straightening your posture, you wiped the tears from your face.

“I understand.” Forcing these words out of your mouth, you left, never looking back.


	15. Chapter 15

Everything changed. The person who you’d give your life for faded from it. All feelings felt before turned to memories of regrets. When you’d see him, you wouldn’t smile or tease him. You’d only talk when it was necessary, such as assignments or projects. Yes, you’d catch him staring at you a lot but you just simply wouldn’t care. He got what he wanted and you will do the same.

Surprisingly, both of you managed to avoid each other’s presence quite well. For two years there was no interaction between you. For two years there were no chats about everything and nothing. For two years there were no smiles and smirks. For two years there was no love.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, you’d wonder what would happen if you would just come up to him and started a conversation or just simply smiled at him but these thoughts were pushed aside. After all, he seemed to have found a rather fun occupation for himself, fucking himself through the female students of Hogwarts. So, there was no time for little smiles and chats in his schedule. No time for you. Just like he wanted.

You on the other hand occupied yourself by studying hard, in hopes of becoming the best student which wasn’t hard to achieve, to be honest but still needed a lot of time and effort. So, there was no time for Mr. Black left. Just like you intended on doing.

In the presence of your parents and relatives, you’d both try to pretend as if all was good but it seemed as if the tension between the both of was too strong to miss. Nevertheless, none spoke of it. For the greater good.

Yes, two years ago you lost both of your best friends on the same day but your life didn’t come crumbling down like you had expected. Not soon after your fallouts, you befriended yourself with some Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. But most importantly, you grew closer to Remus and Lily. You could say that they replaced both dark-haired boys. For what it was worth, they were much better at sensing if one needed space or when to back off. They knew what to press on and what not to do. And they are amazing study buddies.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss your former Slytherin mate. After your argument with Severus, he didn’t talk to anymore, not like you expected. You tried to reunite with him but he wouldn’t let you. Thinking back, you may have been a bit harsh to him but that didn’t matter now. Despite your still existing love for him, your moral was ‘fewer friends, less drama’. Funny, is it not?

The only thing you deeply regretted was your distance to James. It wasn’t like you and James didn’t talk to one another or avoided each other but your conversations and quality time lessened. Since his best Padfoot was always around, you’d leave him alone. Nevertheless, when you needed him, you knew he’d be there.

No one actually knew what had happened between Sirius and you, they only knew that the both of you suddenly stopped caring about each other. Or at least pretended to do so.

Unexpectedly, James was okay with it and left the subject untouched but you sensed that it was a wonder to him as to why your behavior towards each other changed out of the blue. Plus he was relieved that he didn’t have to worry that his best friend might break his sister’s heart.

As the OWLS approached, you excelled then with ease.

And then the letter you had been waiting for your whole life, -well, more like a year, but it felt like your whole life- came.

“I GOT IN!” you came rushing the stairs of your houses, bouncing up and down, feeling like a little toddler with a new toy as you showed your parents the piece of paper. It was the first time in a while that you felt that happy.

Your parents immediately joined your euphuism.

“In what?” James asked with his mouth full of cereal. Just realizing that it sounded really inappropriate, the cereal came fell out of his mouth, with him laughing as if he was being suffocated. That earned him hit from you with the magazine that lay behind him on the counter.

“The science project.” you held the letter in front of his face proudly. “I got accepted.”

This day was by far the best of your life. Not long ago, there was talk about an exchange project. Students of Hogwarts could sign up for this project and if accepted they would be sent to another country for research after their graduation. It was counted to the study course one did.

As James read the paper his face dropped, smile fading from it. You assumed that he had reread it because he was taking so long.

“You’re leaving for America?” his voice was so soft; he wasn’t believing what was happening.

“I am.” Uncertainty crept upon you. Was it too far away? Didn’t he want you to leave?

There was a clear tight smile on his face, as he stood up and hugged you in congratulation.

“Everything alright, Jamie?”

A tear rolled down his cheek as he broke the hug.

“Yes, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” he sniffed a bit before giving you another hug. “I’m proud of you.” He whispered in your ear.

He was proud of you. That you didn’t hear that often. Especially in the past years. It may be the best thing he could say to you.

Feeling a bit emotional, you couldn’t contain yourself from joining him.

“I’m proud of you, too.” You tighten the hug, never wanting this warm moment to end.

The next months would be scary without him. Without your friends. Without your family.

You’d be expected to be there next week. That was too soon for you. But you had to leave. You needed to leave. You wanted to leave.

The following evening every one of your shared friends, even the person you wanted to see the least, were scattered around your living room. It was the perfect timing to tell them that you’d be living in another country soon.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my perfect sister has an announcement to make.” Your brother stated with a posture that reminded you of a king’s servant. He knew how to keep you entertained. You’d miss that.

A huge smile growing on your face, you stood up from the couch and made your way to the middle of the living room. Instantly, you regretted your decision, as you were now standing right in front of a certain Mr. Black. But you played it cool. Just like you did these past two years.

For a split second, you got lost in his sight. He still possessed the beauty he had all these years ago, if not looked even more beautiful with that three days beard he just recently began to grow.

Focusing on the obvious again, you began to talk as if you were telling a story.

“So, I assume you all caught up on the fact that I signed up for the science exchange project. Well, after months of tortured waiting I finally got an answer.”

To intensify the curiosity of your friends, you didn’t say anything for a few seconds, before continuing with a straight face.

“And I, unfortunately, have to inform you that,” you couldn’t keep yourself from cracking up smiling, “I got accepted!”

“Merlin’s beard, that’s great!” Remus and Lily said at the same time.

All the happy faces around you warmed your heart but you quickly noticed something out of place.

Sirius’ expression didn’t change, he still had the same mask on he wore before. He didn’t smile but he didn’t seem bored. He wasn’t angry nor confused. Just emotionless.

But you swore you saw a hint of sadness in it.

With your greatest efforts, you chose to ignore it, celebrating with the others.

As the night approached and everyone, besides him and your brother left, you went to your room, deciding to start packing.

Not shorty after you entered the room, you could hear muffles from downstairs.

“You can’t let her leave, Prongs! Who knows what will happen to her?”

“I have no choice. I am not her father or whatever. Plus, she is so happy, I do not want to take it away from her. You know it’s the first time I’ve seen her so happy since…”

“You mean, since you made it specifically clear to me to get the hell away from her and keep my distance.” Sirius laughed, obviously furious at his best friend.

“Don’t put the bl-“

It was enough for you. You didn’t want to hear anything else. The whole Sirius thing was a phase, you kept telling yourself. And, so what? You completely understood your brother from trying to keep him away from you. He already broke you into pieces by rejecting you. You didn’t want to know what would’ve happened when he didn’t push you away.

All you wanted to do was have a moment of peace. To stop thinking. You were leaving in two days for god’s sake. You didn’t need to discover anything now. You wanted your peace. You wanted to forget him.

That is why you chose to erase this conversation form your brain. You had so many sleepless nights, so many internal wars, that it came to a point where you didn’t care about anything anymore. You only looked ahead.

But there was still something in you that longed for him. Only him. It would always long for him. You knew you couldn’t change that.

And even if you wanted to do anything against it, it was too late to change anything. You had to look forward.


	16. Chapter 16

“(Y/N/N)!” the man you knew as your brother called as he spotted you on the platform of your train. A sensational feeling of joy rushed through you as you saw him standing a few meters away, a huge grin plastered on his face. Immediately letting go of the bags in your hands, you ran towards him, jumping right into his arms. Being filled with the same amount of happiness he caught you and began spinning you around. Clutching as hard as you could onto him, you recognized the all too familiar scent he wore. The scent of home.

“Oh, Jamie. I missed you so much.” you breathed as you were let go of.

Cupping your face in his abnormally large hands, he pressed a warm big kiss on your forehead, instantly pulling you into a hug afterward.

“I missed you too, little one.”

“Welcome back, (Y/N)!” Slightly turning your head, you faced Remus, carrying all your bags.

“REMUS!” you struggled your way out of your brother’s embrace, just to fall into the embrace of the puppy you loved so dearly. The full-grown man chuckled at your reaction, ruffling through your hair. Never wanting to let go, to return from where you came, you knew you were finally home.

Not even five minutes after you arrived at the house of your parents, it felt like you never left, the way James and you already snickered at each other. The second you set foot into the kitchen you were stormed by your parents, being treated like a toddler who just made their first step. And the second they let go of you, accusations began to fly, complaints of you being away for a long time. You could hardly blame them, you were indeed never present, almost always choosing to stay in America for the sake of your research and job. Well mostly because of these factors. The other reasons you’d rather keep for yourself.

Not long after Lily Evans decided to join the welcoming, having just come from work.

“Well, you certainly have lost some weight since the last time I saw you. Is part of your research, starving yourself?” her eyebrows were knitted together, a worried look taking over.

You had to admit that the past months haven’t been quite merciful to you. Not feeling the desire to talk about that at the time being, you quickly changed the subject.

“I’m fine. How’s he been treating you?” you nodded in the direction of your brother already prepared to roast the living light out of him. You have known for a time that Lily and your brother have been moving quite forward in their relationship and that your brother has planned to take the huge last step someday soon.

There was no doubt that you were utterly happy for them, they were the extreme cutest after all and your brother has changed so much for the greater good since Lily was by his side for a long time but you couldn’t help but feel a little envious at their relationship at times when no one was with you. It wasn’t bad envy. No, at all, it was the kind that left you feeling miserable for a while. A hateful feeling.

“Still can’t stand him.” She raised her voice a bit, in hopes of him hearing. And it was a success, because not a heartbeat later he stood beside her, hugging her from behind and whispering something into her ear that you couldn’t really make out.

“Because I am very, very irresistible.” He emphasized the very.

Seeing them acting the way they did now made you automatically feel very joyous. The way they were happy was so contagious.

“Please, not when I am present.” You teased.

After the little get-together, it was time for you to visit your old room. Nothing was out of the ordinary. All were the way you left them 5 years ago. Every time you’d visit your family, you’d sleep in the guest room with a certain companion, formally known as your boyfriend.

Inspecting the room on a closer look, memories come flooding by. Your fingers traced along the shelf, where you had put the books your brother had bought you on any occasion. He knew how much you had adored them. Laughing, you remembered the day James wouldn’t stop bugging you because he wanted you so desperately to put in a few good words for him to Lily. He just simply wouldn’t stop, so, you threw the copy of a muggle book called Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus. Then along the way, your eyes landed on a device you haven’t used in a long time. Pressing the play button, the song you used to dearly love tuned out of the recorder.

Strumming my pain with his fingers  
Singing my life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song  
Killing me softly with his song  
Telling my whole life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song

Humming to the song you continued your little tour, just to instantly stop on your tracks as you spotted an item you have completely forgotten about.

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style  
And so I came to see him to listen for a while  
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes

Letting your fingertips linger on the diamond shaped star, you bit your lip. A wave of emotions flushed on your face, leaving you feeling all hot and fighting the tears that threatened to spill.

Strumming my pain with his fingers  
Singing my life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song  
Killing me softly with his song  
Telling my whole life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song

The words Quentin, your boyfriend, said to you not too long ago still rang in your head.

“You just don’t want us to be happy, do you?” he had spat at you.

“Of course, I want to. What has gotten into you?” you screamed at him.

“Oh please, spare me the act, (Y/N).” he laughed, his words spilling like venom out of his mouth.

“What are you talking about?” you tried to reason with him but inside you knew that it was of no use. Once he was angry there was no back to normal. For a few days.

“What am I talking about? I don’t know, (Y/N). Maybe the fact that you just can’t that stupid boy that broke your heart out of your tiny head. I mean is it too much to ask to just simply forget him. Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me. If you ever stopped loving him. If you have just been using me to please your needs. To only serve as a pleasure toy.”

Not really being aware of your soaked face or your surroundings, you let yourself fall onto your bed. Still holding on to the necklace, you curled into a ball, not bothered by the snobs that had escaped you.

He was right, Sirius never really left your mind. And you were ashamed of it. But he was in the wrong about you never loving him. You did, maybe even still do. Except you loved him while still loving the boy that had once stolen your heart. Some may say it isn’t possible, that there was no such thing as loving two people at the same time but you were living proof. For a long time you kept denying it, saying it was only home you were missing and that he belonged to your home because of his time spent there but after this argument the mystery puzzle in your head was put together by your brain and you came to the conclusion that the feelings for him were still present. But that did mean that you didn’t try to move on. No. You were fairly convinced that you gave your best efforts at doing so however the people who surround you kept bringing him back to your mind. That was none of your doing. Not your fault.

A knock interrupted your deep train of thought.

Swiftly sitting up, you quickly wiped away your tears, tossing the necklace back at its place all while trying to stop the flowing tears.

“Who is-”, the door swung open before you could even finish your question.

A rather happy looking Remus waltzed into your room, holding a tray of tea and biscuits in his hands. Oh, how much you missed these biscuits.

When his eyes met your messy face, he almost stumbled and let the tray fall, if you hadn’t pulled out your wand quickly enough and prevented him from it.

Muttering a rushed thank you, he set the tray on the desk next to your bed and knelt in front of you. “What happened? Are you hurt?” he brushed the hair from your face behind your ears, so, that he could have a better look at you.

“Nothing,” you gave him a little smile, feeling yourself calm down in his presence. His little kind gestures were always your favorite. It was still a riddle to you why the girls were never fawning over him. To you, he was twice the romantic that Sirius and James have ever been. But somehow, almost no one was ever interested in him.

“What’s been bothering you, (Y/N)? You can tell me, remember?”, his soft voice was so comforting, something you haven’t heard for too long.

Being fully aware that arguing with him would lead you nowhere, you patted on the bed and pulled him up to sit next to you. He obliged. You let your head rest on his shoulder, sighing. Kissing your hair, he put your arm around you and began stroking your own.

A few minutes passed with you feeling comfortable in his embrace, till you finally opened your mouth to speak.

“When I wake up, I’d be so convinced that I moved on. The first thing I’d see is this beautiful man who’s madly in love with me. And I would think I was madly in love with him too. Every morning. I would live through the day as if I wasn’t breaking. And I wasn’t actually. But then the night comes and- and I’d be flooded with all these memories and I would know that,” a single tear snuck its way from the cover of your eye, rolling down your cheek, “that I have been feeding myself lies, that I was not okay. That I longed to return. That missed my family and friends. And I would question if I was really in love with Quentin. Or if I was only fooling myself so I’d finally move on. And by the time I fall asleep, I’d know that all this would continue over and over again.”

Gently, he took your face in his hands, wiping away that tear. Though his motions could make one think he understood what you were saying, ready to give advice and say the most consoling things, his eyes told you a different story. They were searching for something to say but had no luck. Deciding to end his struggle, you asked something he maybe could answer.

“Am I going mad, Remus?”

He couldn’t but to chuckle.

“The day you’d go mad is the day I’d be running in the streets yelling that I am a werewolf.” His remarks were always so witty. They never ceased to amaze you.

Now, both of you were laughing.

“Fair enough.”


	17. Chapter 17

What happened that afternoon was not be mentioned, you let Remus swear. He completely understood. Having told someone did help your acing heart which was very relieving. You could never be grateful enough of Remus. He was like a gift sent from God and oh boy, he was a very great listener.

Setting up the dinner table, your doorbell rang. It had struck you as quite odd because you weren’t expecting any visitors today. None that your family had told you about.

Opening the door, James tried to stop, which made you even more curious about who was behind it. As you fully opened it, you became aware of what he wanted to warn you about.

In front of you stood his best friend, your former crush, the then boy who you stayed up nights talking to, the man that could make any woman beg him to savor her, the man that you used to tell anything to, the person you couldn’t get off your mind. The famous Sirius Black.

And if it wasn’t worse enough, he wasn’t alone. In his arms was a woman you recognized almost instantly. He had his most known and look on his face. His smirk.

I didn’t take you long to know the smirk wasn’t meant for you because the second his sparkling eyes met you, they turned cloudy as if they had just seen a ghost and his lips took over the form of a thin line. That intoxicating expression he had on just mere moments before was for the woman he had in his hands. The woman you knew since she was a girl. The woman you more than once dreamed of being. The woman that everyone was charmed of. The woman named Marlene McKinnon. The woman Sirius not so subtly fooled around with in his last years of Hogwarts. It should not come as a surprise that she’d be joining you for dinner. She was a good friend of Lily’s after all. But you couldn’t help but be taken aback for a bit.

In comparison to her you looked and behaved like a sack of potatoes. That woman was just perfect. One could just not hate her, as hard as you tried. Yes, she could come off as a bit of a brat at times but even at these times, one could not stop admiring her. Just like Lily. In their presence, you felt like nothing. Like you weren’t worthy of living.

“How are things with Quintus?” Marlene asked, after complementing your mother on her cooking.

Dinner was the absolute worst. Marlene and Sirius just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The man didn’t, as expected, really acknowledge your existence. You just understand him. First, he broke your heart in the most hurtful way you could imagine, then after years of separation, he had the audacity to show up at your house and shove his so lovable girlfriend in your face. What have you done to him to deserve such disrespect?

“Quentin.” You were prompt to correct. Taking another sip of wine trying to intoxicate yourself for the upcoming conversation. If you were going down that lane then you need to at least be a bit drunk or you’d lose all control and lash out at one. You had to avoid it at all cost. It was the first time for 2 years that you were back home and the last thing you needed was your stay to end in a fight. Your wine glass wasn’t the only one to hit the table. Following the source of clatter, your gaze landed on Sirius. His growing annoyed expression was not to miss.

Choosing not to read much into it and focusing on getting through the dinner without breaking into tears, you turned your attention to the beautiful brunette in front of you.

“I assume, he’s alright.” You forcefully flashed her a small smile, focusing on your wine once again.

“You assume?” James quirked his brow, mouth full.

Emptying the glass, you got up to refill it, stopping by James who was seated at the other end of the table and reaching for the bottle. All attention was fixed on you. Even Sirius’. They looked like soccer fans watching the penalty which would decide the winner of the game. Only Remus was the one who looked away, knowing very well what you were about to say

“We aren’t an item anymore.” You simply said, while returning for your seat. Unintentionally you had snuck a glance at Sirius as you seated yourself. You could swear that the man looked relieved for a second.

Your father chocked on his wine as you broke the news.

“What? Why?” Fleamont dabbed his handkerchief on his mouth, looking very shocked.

“Um,” you struggled with your words, not really knowing what to say.

“I got into the ministry!” Remus exclaimed out of the blue. Everybody shifted their attention from you to him. You shoot him a grateful look, only for him to nod and sent you a knowing look.

They didn’t have to know. Not just yet. The wounds were still fresh.

One single pair of eyes kept their gaze on you. The one you desperately wanted to look away the most. Gathering the courage, you looked him straight in the eyes. They wanted to tell you something but you couldn’t quite make out what.

Clearing her throat, Lily brought all eyes on her.

“We have something to announce too, actually.” She wore the brightest smile you have ever seen her with. “(Y/N), would you like to be my maid in honor?”

Confusion overtook you. Maid in honor? As in a maid in honor for a wedding? And after a second it clicked inside you.

“You are going to get married.” It was more of a statement than a question but the unsure in your voice had them demented.

“Surprise!” James yelled happily, raising his glass.

You had no idea how to react. On one hand, you were overjoyed that your brother and your best friend were finally tying the knot but on the other, you were disappointed by them not telling you soon because if anyone looked around, they’d notice that none of the others were merely surprised by their reveal.

Covering every negative emotion going through your brain, you closed the gap of your mouth and smiled warmly at them.

“Of course! Congratulations!”, you hugged the bride to be very tightly while ruffling through your brother’s hair. You needed more wine; you were sure of it.

“When’s the wedding?”

“Um, that’s the thing. It’s in two months.”

So, they have already gotten engaged for a long time and no one bothered to tell you.

Welcome home, (Y/N), you thought as you tried to hide the sadness which was about to take over you.


	18. Chapter 18

5 years ago….

Checking your looks in the mirror of your new apartment for the last time before leaving for your first day in university and the first day of your research program, you tried to calm yourself down. Something in your consciousness told you that you were about to mess up and make a fool of yourself in front of everybody. So, it was fair to say that you were wracked at that time. Normally you’d be very confident when it came to science and being the smartest in the room but you weren’t in Hogwarts anymore. There were no dumb unmotivated kids present. You were about to be among the greatest wizards of England and America. There was a necessity for nervousness.

The project you’d be working on for the following years was till that day only biased on theories, just like any other project. The goal of this program was to prove that there is a possibility to turn a muggle born without any magical ancestors into a wizard by firstly injecting certain anti prophylaxis into their blood so that the immune system doesn’t repel the second injection that contains the antigens which posses the magical power.

Not even 5 minutes later you were led by an employee in the university staff to the lab you’d be working in. As you entered the room you were startled as you almost bumped into a tall figure.

“Ah, sorry.” The man muttered, not even sparing you a glance as he did, moving quickly past you to talk to the woman.

At first sight, one can assume he couldn’t to be older than in his mid-twenties, but judging by the neat suit he wore, the few unbuttoned buttons, the cologne he wore and the way he held himself he was no doubt older than assumed. And boy oh boy he was handsome. Must be a researcher under Dr. Becks order. Your new colleague.

Laughing bitterly to yourself, you couldn’t help but to mentally fight with yourself. Part of you knew you would fall for him in no time and the other wanted to prevent that. Just what you needed. Another asshole distracting you and breaking your heart.

Shaking your head, you looked around the lab. Your eyes set themselves on the big whiteboard where a big chart was drawn on, in it experiments and their results written.

“It’s not complete.” A voice behind you said.

Turning around, the man from not two minutes ago stood there, jacket replaced with a lab coat, with an arm crossed and the other prop up on it, scratching his stubble beard, eyes fixed on the board. After a few minutes of intense what you presumed was thinking, he snapped his attention back to you, stretching his hand out.

“Doctor Quentin Beck.” He offered you a small genuine smile, “You must be here for the program?”

Oh, shit. Oh, shit shit shit shit shit. He? Your boss? The doctor? Why? Why? Why? Internally, you scowled yourself for your thoughts on him mere minutes before. Why did he out of all scientist have to be your boss? Did god try to punish you for every sin you committed?

He must’ve sensed your surprise because his expression turned to one of an amused person. His eyebrows were raised and the smile developed to a smirk. A smirk. That was really the last thing you needed.

He was the last thing you needed.

After what seemed like an eternity of panic, you finally focused on reality. On what was in front of you. Collecting yourself, you smiled back.

“Forgive my surprise, but I just expected someone-”

“Older?” he cut you off, his smirk still visible.

“No, actually, I was intending on going with less good looking but that’ll do too.”

Yeah, smooth. Wait? No. No. No. Not comprehending that you said that out loud, you closed your mouth immediately. Did you really just let that slip? Your heart was racing.

“Oh god. Please, excuse my forwardness, I don’t know what has gotten into me.” You tried to shove it away, pretend as if saying what you had said wasn’t embarrassing at all, but failed miserably.

“I hope that won’t cause any problems concerning the project.” He laughed, entertaining himself a bit too much for your liking.

Feeling a sudden wave of confidence, you straightened your posture and looked him in the eyes.

“It won’t, Dr. Beck.”

“Just Beck is fine.” You didn’t miss the way his eyes traveled up and down your form. Despite his amusement earlier, his face wore an expression you didn’t know if you interpret right. He was either trying to see if you were fit to work for him or he was checking you out. For what you knew, you hoped it was the first. You didn’t need that kind of trouble now. Before you could investigate the meaning behind his action any further, his gaze shifted back to the whiteboard. Not bothering to look at you again, his voice turned surprisingly and confusingly cold.

“The program doesn’t start for another hour. So, either make yourself useful and start with setting the equipment for the next experiment up or see yourself out and come back in an hour.”

Two years later, you found yourself growing quite close to and fond of the man you tried to keep your distance to. Turns out he was just a masked dork and you thanked god for this. He somehow managed not only to be a dork but a cold ass at the same time, which always surprised you and all of your colleagues when he let it show. The doctor could go from helping one of you and joking with them to yelling at someone for being too slow and not taking the job seriously. But that was just the way he was. No one of your group was perfect.

Till then you didn’t have any problems working alongside him. Your teammates would often joke that you were his favorite because of the big amount of time he spent with you and the fact that he never even just once yelled at you. You on the other hand only assumed he did that because you were the youngest of the group and still fresh from school. And partly because you were the only brit present. Every time you and Quentin would talk about something that wasn’t work-related, they’d send not so subtle knowing looks at each other. It even came to the point where if the both of you were standing next to each other they’d “accidentally” push one of you to the other. You were sure that they were plotting on setting you both up. Without success so far. Until one day a certain letter arrived around evening.

“Sir, this letter was just delivered to the front desk.” you said as you came into the lab.

He only hummed in response, continuing looking in his microscope and taking notes on the pad next to him.

“Doctor, I think you should really take a look at this.” Even though he said more than once that you should address him with only his surname, you’d never do it in the presence of your colleague, trying very hard to avoid being gossiped about. Again.

“Just put it on my desk.” He waved you off.

Growing impatient, you pushed aside all propriety and walked up to him, earning yourself the attention of the present researcher, putting your hand on his shoulder and laid the envelope on his pad.

Just as your flesh met his body, his face darted up instantly, making you just then aware how close you were to him. As his eyes landed on your face, you were uncertain of what you were feeling. You swore his eyes lingered on your lips for a few seconds but before you could pay a lot of mind to it his eyes set on the wrapped paper in front of him.

Feeling yourself warm up by what had just occurred, you swiftly pulled your hand back, taking a step back and clearing your throat.

“It’s from the MACUSA. The deliverer said it was important.”

For the first time since you met him, you saw fear in the doctor’s eyes. But you couldn’t blame him, you knew what he was thinking about. For a while, the MACUSA had been shutting down programs that they thought had no potential in succeeding. And the one you were currently working on, which was in fact sponsored by the ministry, was not as improving as your group hoped it to be.

Frankly, you didn’t want them to do so. It was positive to say that the project and the group grew close to your heart. Plus, you didn’t think it made any justice to any of you if they just simply threw away all your hard work. It didn’t make justice to any of the canceled projects.

Running his fingers through his hair, he took the letter in his hands and looked at the wrapping. Without a warning, he hastily tore the envelope open.

You closely watched him reading the letter. Everybody did. But without success. Beck had the ability to conceal every emotion he had at any moment possible. It fascinated you very much. You hoped to master that ability too someday.

After what felt like hours of reading, he looked up at each one of you. Scratching his stubbly beard, he sighed.

“I hope you all have your licenses with you now.”

“What?” Derek dared to ask.

“The ministry decided to move our project behind their doors. We will be working from their labs with excess to more equipment and a budget that will get us through three more years.” his lips curved up a bit probably amusing himself on our reactions. “Drinks on me.”

And there you were, waking up groaning with the biggest headache you have ever had. Reaching to push the bed covers off you, something struck you as odd. You didn’t remember changing your bedcovers. Eyes barely open, you looked around your room. It wasn’t your room.

Panic taking over, you pried them wide open. Almost instantly, you put your hands on your body. You calmed down a bit after feeling the materials of your clothes. Suddenly you could hear a pair of footsteps coming closer. But they stopped shortly after, only to hear a door creaking followed by the sound of running water. Releasing the breath, you didn’t know you kept, you slowly got up.

The last memory of last night was you sitting next to Beck laughing at your already drunk colleagues. Seems the joke was on you now, since you must’ve wandered off with someone that night. Hoping that the person would take his or her time in the shower, you went to the living room and began searching for your bag where your wand was in. You needed to get out of that flat now.

You assumed that the one that took you home had the decency not to take advantage of you drunk. Or maybe you were kidnapped.

Your blood froze as the water stopped running. Pacing around the flat quickly, you prepped yourself of what to say and how to get yourself out of this awkward situation if you didn’t find your wand to apparate yourself away at that moment.

“Good morning.” An all too familiar voice said behind you.

Closing your eyes, you cursed under your breath. This wasn’t happening. Nope. This was a dream. This wasn’t real. At any moment you’d wake up. None of this did actually happen. No.

Opening them again, you were disappointed when you noticed that you were still standing in the room. Swallowing hard, you turned to face the source.

Of course he looked better with only wearing a towel around his hip and wet hair. His body was even more magnificent than you had imagined.

“Good morning, sir.” You tried your hardest not to let your eyes drift over his body.

“So, we’re back to Sir? Huh?” Beck laughed as he walked to his open kitchen isle, opening a cupboard to take two cups out.

“What happened last night?” you exclaimed all of the sudden.

He stopped what he was doing and crossed his arms over his bare torso, smile even wider and entertained than seconds before.

“I knew it. No girl in the right mind would throw herself at her superior the way you did.”

Ah yes of course you were that dumb. You were sure that your face was similar to a tomato because of embarrassment. Still, you didn’t show any more emotion, trying your best to keep the little remains of your dignity. 

Opening your mouth to speak you were rudely cut off by him.

“We can forget yesterday. I must confess that I let you drink more than I should’ve.” His tone returned to his casual state. No amusement. Just strictly business.

Taking a relieved breath, you rubbed your temples with your hands, trying to ease the headache you forgot about for a few minutes.

“Or..” he began, drinking from one cup while making his way to stand directly in front of you. Maybe a bit to close for your liking. After all, yesterday did happen. If you didn’t know better, you’d say he was trying to tease you.

An enchanting grin danced on his lips as he offered you the second cup. Cautiously, you took the cup from his hand, avoiding touching him at all cost.

“Or we can,” he began again but stopped when his eyes traveled from your eyes to your lips. All of a sudden, you felt your breath hitch. It should not be allowed to look at someone like that. Not when the person being watched was his student. Or had been his student. Since you all were asked to work under the jurisdiction of the ministry, the superior was the head of the science division, not Doctor Beck anymore.

It was not new of him looking at you like he wanted to kiss you at the exact moment if you were being utterly frank. Throughout the years you had encountered it too many times but always acted as if you hadn’t noticed. Even if a little snog from him sounded too appealing. He was your head after all. Besides, you were far too convinced that he would never even consider being with you. For all you knew, he hadn’t been with anyone all through the project, so, you figured he was maybe just a bit lonely. Not that you were complaining. If he was really willing to do anything to you, a part of knew that you’d give him all of you. He had that power over you. Just like Sirius did.

“Or we can?” you couldn’t take the tension anymore, fearing you’d try something reckless that you might regret the next moment.

His eyes immediately shot back to yours. There was a hint of red creeping up his neck which wasn’t there before.

“Or we can- I can take you out on a date.” He took a step back, leaning against the isle. Something happened which you had never been faced with. The doctor which usually either a complete smug nerd or confident asshole was shy and red all over his face.

You almost let your cup shatter on the ground if you hadn’t tightened your grip around it at the last second.

Before you even knew it, your whole life took a new turn. The lonely sleepless nights which were spent crying over past events were replaced with a new man by your side. Time spent pinning after a boy was spent kissing the man. Even on vacations, he was around. It had been more blissful than you had ever imagined. But just like every relationship so far, there was fighting. And there, the boy was often remembered. Somehow Quentin liked to add every single regret from your youth to the fights, to make them even more heated. But again, just like every single time, you’d make up, apologize and move on with your lives. Or so Quentin thought. After every argument you were left to bits, memories from your youth haunting you, missing home more than you should. Missing certain people more than you should.

Then the day came. The day your love got a position at the high table of scientist in the ministry offered. When out celebrating his promotion, that night, your ears were opened by some coworkers of his. You couldn’t help but overhear the colleague’s banter about your relationship. By the way, they talked it seemed like they weren’t the only one who thought that your relation to the man was highly inappropriate because of the age difference, disgraceful to his high position and pathetic because of you low rank.

You paid them no mind at first. But soon these banters had their effects on his work. People refused to work with him, some disrespected him and people would have no shame in calling him unimaginable things. Despite them, Quentin never stopped loving you. He’d pretend to laugh the accusations off but you never believed him. You knew that it was eating him up as well. You didn’t want that to happen to him. Not when you were the cause. It made you question your love for him. Was what you had really worth all that fuss?

Not soon after you decided to put an end to the mess. He didn’t deserve any of it.

“Why? Why are you leaving? Why now? What have I done wrong?”

The way his tears threatened to spill, the way his voice cracked, the way his normally beautiful demeanor was destroyed in a matter of seconds broke your heart.

You were taking his world away but for his sake. It wasn’t fair to any of you but you had to get it over with before any more damage was made.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Quentin. You were perfect. But-”,

“But what?” was not someone who’d raise his voice, not even in your worst fights, but he felt the necessity to do so at the moment. As if it would explain everything much better. As if it made the truth even more bearable. Maybe it was the way your tone didn’t really contain any sign of regret, of mercy that got him to feel aggravated.

The way you held yourself that day must’ve appeared to anyone as cold, colder than murder but you had to stay strong if you didn’t want to fall back into his arms.

“I love you, Quentin. I love it when you smile at me. I love it when you wake up kissing me. I love it when you ramble about subjects I never in my life heard of. I love it when you embrace me and say everything will be alright. I love it when you call me ‘honey’. I love it when you ask me if I was okay after a long day of work. But I am afraid that I don’t love these little things as much as I should. I am afraid that I don’t love you the same amount as you love me. And I don’t think I ever will.”

Not a single tear dared to slip. Not a single sign of weakness showed. It scared you that you were capable to do so but didn’t surprise you. A true Slytherin indeed. Just walking around breaking hearts with a mask on their face. Even if doesn’t show at all, they are always concealing their face. No one was ever as cruel as they made others believe to be.

“Why do I feel like this isn’t the only reason?”

Looking down at your hands, you took a deep breath. He had the right to the truth. For some clarity. Even if it hurt like hell.

“Let’s face it, Quentin. I am not going to let you ruin your reputation because of me. I know how much damage I have already done. And I will not sit back and watch you completely destroy your carrier. Your life’s work. I don’t want to be the reason. Like I said, what we have, what I feel is not worth giving everything up for.”

You took a step closer to him, reaching out for his hands. To your surprise, he didn’t back off. But he didn’t look at you.

Gathering all your courage, you put a hand on the side of his face turning his face to yours. 

“This isn’t worth it. I am sorry.”

The spark that occupied his iris these past years has vanished. His playfulness gone. Letting go of him, you gave him space he will need for the next message you were about to deliver.

“I handed in my transfer request; it was signed this morning.”

You lowered your gaze back to your hands, not wanting to see him in his current state. It was only rare one would see him broken down, fear taking over him.

“Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“You deserve better, Quentin Beck.”

As if it made everything better, you kissed him on the cheek. Imagination was ignorant.

“I understand.”

These words were the last you heard him say. These words were last spoken to each other.

The same words which were last spoken between you and Sirius.

These were two parallels that should have never existed, but yet they did.


	19. Chapter 19

Waking up to the rain pouring on your window was normally a comfort, a luxury that you didn’t get on a daily basis. The way the drops would hit the glass surface, the sound echoing through the room in the wee small hours of the morning usually gave you a feeling of peace. But not today.

Your mind left you in no state of peace today. Instantly after waking up thoughts didn’t stop to wander through your mind. Doubts, regrets, insecurities, and memories flooded your head. As if a dark cloud hovered above your head, in that very room, the drops being these thoughts, they spilled on you. Leaving you in a state which would poorly be considered peace.

If you didn’t know better, you’d be convinced you were going mad. This has been going on for months now and you were oblivious of how to save yourself. Every time you’d try to distract yourself by reading, there has only to be a single particular word and then you’d fall back into the same pattern. These clouds, they haunted you. Exercising surely didn’t help, neither did an early start of your day. That only left talking. Talking to others about what has been troubling you. But you felt as if that should never be an option. You didn’t fancy the thought of laying the weight which resided on your shoulders on another’s. No one deserved that burden. No one was strong enough. Not even you. But you had to keep living. For the sake of your family. That meant also to hide the insufferable pain.

After finally coming to the conclusion that you would not return to sleep, you drag your feet down to the kitchen. It was three in the morning and you didn’t expect anyone being awake at that ungodly hour but when you almost reached your wished destination you were alerted by a clatter of dishes. Although it was probably someone from your family, you were not taking any chances and steadied your wand. One shouldn’t forget that you were still in a time of war. Voldemort and his followers were still on the loose rumors have spread. Caution was the least you could pay. For now.

“Morning.” You were met face to face with a very worn out werewolf.

“Morning, Moony.” You mumbled as you slumbered on the nearest chair you could find.

“Tea or coffee?” He simply asked raising two mugs.

Even though you felt obligated to ask for a tea, your mind was too tired to follow the traditions of your heritage. Your consciousness ached for caffeine. 

“Coffee please.”

Setting the mug on the table in front of you, Remus took his place next you, looking even more dreadful than ever.

“Full moon approaching?” You asked, barely having any strength nor will of being awake yourself.

Your yet not furry friend hummed in response, rubbing his face lightly.

Nursing the cup in your hands, silence overtook the atmosphere, just the rain to be heard, until out of nowhere, Remus started chuckling.

“Do you remember the day we attempted to build a giant snowman next to shrieking shack but all ended up in a snowball fight and kids from above and under us who passed looked at us as if we were the madest alive?”

You had it totally different in memory. For you, it was the day Sirius gave you his beanie, gloves and scarf because you forgot yours. It actually made no difference because you still got sick the next day but the way he kept looking at you, as if you were the cutest thing to ever walk the earth, the way he gently wrapped you up with his clothing before or the way they smelt was no doubt worth the flu.

Uncontrollably, you felt the curves of your mouth moving upwards, your eyes glistering. That occurred in a time you had been the happiest. Everything was perfect. The bond with your brother was the strongest. You still had your sarcastic best friend by your side. The boy you loved paid you more attention than to anyone. And your mind was at ease. No war, no drama, no grudges.

“Yeah.”

You shifted your attention back to the liquid in your hands.

Somehow, in between seconds, a hard wave of sadness settled around you and Moony. It was not to miss.

“What has been keeping you up?” His voice was so soothing, so soft yet filled with worry.

“Have you ever had a moment, a good moment, where you thought: This is it. This is my life now. And it’s perfect. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. But then destiny snatches everything away from you. Or at least you think it’s destiny. And as you get older you start to realize that you were the one that ruined everything and blaming it on destiny was just much easier to accept. And now you just stay up every night hating yourself when you think back. Hating what you have done and what has become of you.”

“Err. No?”

He was at loss of words and you knew. You shouldn’t have said what you just did but you couldn’t stop yourself from letting them flow out of your mouth. He just had that impact on you. By just saying a word he could open you like keys open doors. Such a great listener he was. Maybe telling him wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, his life was probably as miserable as yours, if not even more. He had no space for your weight. 

“Oh! Alright then.” you did your best to not let the dwelling tears escape you.

“I’m moving back here, Remus.”

The surprise in his face, the happy expression did indeed lighten the thickness in the air.

“Merlin’s beard! That’s great why haven’t you said something earlier?” The lighter, louder tone in his voice brought up joy in you. Something you very much needed.

“With the whole Quentin situation, you revealing that you got the position at the ministry- which, by the way, thank you for saving me- and Lily’s announcement, I just didn’t ruin the moment.”

Why would you ruin the moment? They’d be beyond happy of you returning.“

"I know my parents and I know James better than he himself. If I had brought it up back then, they’d worry.” You explained, sighing as you went on. He didn’t quite understand but he would after hearing what you had to say next.

“I overheard my father talk to Quentin on our last trip here. He asked for my hand, Remus. And here I am, not even three months later, without a fiance, telling them I broke up with the probably happiest thing that has ever happened to me. If I had told them that I’d moving back, they’d worry. They’d think he may have hurt me or I may have done something wrong. And given the state I am in, they would get the wrong impression. I was the one who broke it off. I was the one who ruined everything. So, forgive me if I thought that it wasn’t the best time to give out my return.”

He kept his mouth shut, head nodding in understanding.

After a few minutes of utter quiet, the boy spoke up again hoping to make the best of the condition.

“When will your furniture arrive?”

“I had sold them long ago; when I moved in with Quen.” You simply replied.

“Will you move back here?” He stretched his hands out, fiddling them in the air.

“Until I find a flat of my own, yes. Why?” Knitting your brows in confusion, you wondered what was he asking these questions for. Of course, you’d move back into this very house, where else should you go?

“Well, as you know, I since recently don’t live far away from the ministry and am for a fact looking for a flatmate.”

The proud smile of his was so infectious. He was such a kind person. You hoped he’d find luck soon. He didn’t deserve the judgment, hate and fear he got from others.

“I mean I could use some pleasant company.” Indeed, sharing a home with this idiot did seem very persuading. And if you were to move in with him, none of your family would notice the mess you actually were.

“So, it’s a yes?”

“Yes!”


	20. Chapter 20

The whole week came and went by fast. In no time you found yourself in a yet still foreign neighborhood, in a still strange flat, laying with your roommate on the floor, exhausted from building the furniture and moving them.

“I think we should go to sleep.” He pushed himself up, stretching his hand out for you to take. After having helped up, you only took a few steps back and fell onto your bed. Soon your eyes got heavy and not long after your mind drifted to a state of sleep.   
When you told your parents and James that you’d be moving back, they reacted far from what you had expected. Instead of joy or concern, only understanding and …. was displayed on their faces, as if they had already waited for you to announce your return.   
But that wasn’t the oddest occurrence this week. When you explained that you’d be moving in with Moony to them, the exchange of knowing looks between James and Lily was not to miss. You’d be lying if you said that it didn’t irritate you at least a bit.  
To top all that weirdness and their mysterious behavior, James invited you to dine with him and Lily the following days. You had no idea why he asked discreetly not to mention this to your parents but you didn’t pry any further.   
Somehow the only explanation you could come up with was Lily being pregnant. That would explain your brother’s quietness and carefulness. But even that didn’t really strike you as right. Your parents wouldn’t be furious if she was indeed with child. They wouldn’t care that they still weren’t married, not like other wizard families. You believed they’d react quite the opposite. It had to be something else, something bigger.   
The only positive aspect of the week was the absence of the lady killer. For once you were too busy to think about him, his beautiful features and the heartbreak. You weren’t really one to hold grudges for long or over actually if you thought of it, stupid things but somehow you couldn’t shake his words, the conversation and the hurt in caused you out of your head. Being an adult, by law, and being gone through much worse, you just couldn’t find the time to really get over it. Or better said you couldn’t find the will. By some means, you were convinced that your mind was purposefully overthinking it, only so it could get over the fact that loving him was actually wrong and being in a relationship with had frankly never been an option at that time. If James never interfered, no doubt something else would have. But your mind was mainly thinking back to him because he used to treat you as if you a queen, something no one was worthy of being in presence of. He made you feel truly loved. Oh, how much you missed that side of him. 

It had been half past midnight when you were abruptly woken up by your front door crashing closed. Panic quickly took over you. Remus was for sure asleep; he couldn’t have been that. In a matter of a fraction, countless scenarios of whom that might be and why there were here ran through your head. None of them where nearly soothing.  
With your steady wand in your hand, you slowly approached the entry attached to the living room.   
A breath of relief escaped your lips as you recognized a mop of hair peeking out of the couch.   
“Sirius, what are you doing here?” You tried to sound reasonable but the adrenaline that had been in your system not too long ago didn’t let that happen. Instead, a hint of annoyance and disappointment settled in your tone.   
The body jumped at your voice off the couch, clearly caught off guard by your presence. As the realization hit him, he took a deep breath and rubbed his face irritated. Expecting him to calm down again, his actions surprised you.   
“I- I- Are you - What- You and Moony?” He stuttered, eyes wide, probably grossed out by the thought. Had Remus not told him that you moved in with him? Or even James mentioned it?   
You shook your head rather too quick at his assumption, failing at maintaining your cool, chuckles escaping you. Were you being with Remus that unimaginable? He would be a perfect boyfriend. A true lover. Not like the man in front of you.

It was not to miss that the animagi in front of you was drunk; something one does not see often. The way his normally perfectly styled hair hung messily from his scalp, his shirt half tugged in and his flushed cheeks were solid evidence.  
By sight of your expression, his confused one softened, a lazy smile lighting his beautiful face. Ah, how much you longed to see that more often.   
“Sirius, what are doing here? Did something happen?”  
“Marly- Marle-Marlene threw me out of the flat.”

“What have you done now?”

You couldn’t help but to laugh. The boy always had a knack for trouble and drama. 

“Why would you directly assume that I was the cause?” he whined, obviously offended by your assumption.  
“You are always the cause, Pads.” You spoke truthfully.

The curves of his mouth twitched upward at the mention of his nickname, his eyes fixed on your face.  
“We fought.” He confessed. Well, it wasn’t really a confession because why else would she have thrown him out of their flat. A wave of guilt rushed through you. Although you didn’t know what they had fought about, you had a feeling that you had played a part in it. Or it could only be paranoia. Still, you masked your emotions, your bad conscience and nodded at him in understanding.

After a brief silence, he popped on the couch patting in on the space next to him.

“Care to keep me company for a while? Please.” The hurt tone in his voice could make angels cry. It also managed to weaken you.   
Figuring that no one should be alone when looking and feeling like him, you sat down next to him.

If he hadn’t been staring at you before, he was surely doing it now. Being under his gaze, you felt yourself stiffen, body tensed, head screaming. His eyes, they were so alluring, like the ones of sirens who have haunted these poor sailors on the ocean. Yet you didn’t let any signs of discomfort show. Staying still, you looked him right back into his eyes taking part in the game he so dearly played.

The thick tension between the both of you was cut short by laughter. Laughter which escaped the same predator who created this force. There was no doubt that you were growing slightly angry, rage slowly filling up your heart. How dare he laugh at you? After you tried to help him? Well, you certainly regretted it this very moment. You weren’t here for remorse, neither was he, so it seems.

“What?” you asked rather annoyed.

Your change of mood didn’t seem to bother him the least, yet his laughter did die down a little.

“I’m sorry, love. It’s just,” he stopped to smile, “After all these years you are still the most beautiful human being I’ve met.”

Shame. It definitely ate you up as the man in front of you spoke. He wasn’t laughing at you; he was laughing at himself. For several moments you forgot that you were talking to a drunk. You were angry at a drunk….for laughing? Now, that’s the height of stupidity and pettiness you never thought you’d reach. It was clear that you changed over the years, but not all of your new arrangements were good. It needed improving or you’d turn into these old cat ladies you’d despised much. You were being utterly ridiculous.   
“Sirius, don’t say-,” you tried to stop him before he would further speak of things he might regret in the morning. As much as you wanted to hear what he more to say, he had a girlfriend; these compliments were not meant for another. But before you could finish your sentence, Sirius put a finger on your mouth.  
“Shhhh, don’t ruin the moment.” He slurred, what you assumed was supposed to be a serious expression settled on his face, making him look as if he was about to sneeze. Now he was being ridiculous.  
“You’re still the brightest star I know.” He mumbled.

Your mind replayed the first time he had said that to you. The same words he had said on Christmas all these years ago.   
What happened? How did we get into this mess? We were supposed to stick together, for Godric’s sake, you thought.   
You kept your mouth shut. Nothing seemed right to you at the moment. He was drunk, he didn’t mean it.

Sensing that he maybe shouldn’t have said that he wanted to correct himself but then a voice in his head told him to continue. That was his chance to make things right again.

“I should have never been this cruel to you, love.”


End file.
